Last Wednesday at the inaugural seniors vs. senior citizens basketball game, two alums from the class of ’67 were hospitalized after a head-on-head duel in an attempt to sink a three-pointer from across the court.
The match, between 80 energetic and rambunctious seniors and 15 alums from the classes of ’67, ’68, and ’71, started off with a bang as the senior class, with their youthful spirit, managed to score a whopping 45 points in the first quarter while the septuagenarians struggled to amount a reasonable defense against the overwhelming horde of five Class of ’26 students. While some walked with canes, other more agile 73-year-olds strutted slowly, grasping for the ball that was just out of their reach like a sneeze that never happened.
However, while the Lakeside alums were deftly outmaneuvered, the grandparent of one Lakeside sophomore managed to score two field goals for the team after several senior boys decided to allow the 77-year-old to “re-live his collegiate basketball years,” said one of the seniors.
By halftime, the score was an incredibly tight 102-2 in favor of the senior class. The seniors were cheering loudly; one was shirtless. The audience, on the other hand, was going mild. Several students and advisors had dozed off, while many others were “going to the bathroom.”
The game started back up 15 minutes later after one 76-year-old was taken to Antonio’s for a fractured ankle after he fell backwards trying to defend against a senior. The game had slowed down considerably when the alums had started putting up a much stronger defense — two Class of ’26 students had managed to doze off after three senior citizens decided to talk about their retirement home stories.
Suddenly, two ambitious grandparents had sprinted (or, in high-school terms, meandered) towards their own basketball hoop when they tried shooting a hoop together. As the 77-year-olds slowly lifted the basketball with all four of their hands, one senior suddenly ran in front of them. Frightened by the precipitous movement, the alums collapsed from a heart attack.
According to Tatler’s reports, the class of ’68 basketball players are still hospitalized in the UW Medical Center to be treated for high blood pressure. The Assembly Committee issued a public statement in the following assembly about how Lakeside is deeply sorry for the incident, and will be repaying the alums’ families with free SAGE meals for life.
Meanwhile, the newly formed Student Advocacy for Geriatric Geniality Youth (SAGGY) has spoken out against Lakeside permitting the event to occur, with one of their sophomore leaders reporting, “Who in their right mind came up with such an inhumane treatment of humans? I mean, we could’ve been using those 60 minutes for something more productive, like playing Clash Royale in the upstairs library!”
Assembly Committee member Vivian T. ’27 explained that the Assembly Committee’s intention with the Senior vs. Senior Citizens game was to “bring much-needed reprieve to our redundant— er, riveting assemblies” and “finally give the seniors, who have been cursed with the short straw for too many years, a chance of winning.”
Meanwhile, Lakeside administrator Whitney Suttell, assistant director of the Upper School, explained that part of Lakeside’s intention with the senior vs. senior citizens game was to “incorporate alumni and their expertise into students’ education and increase diversity on our school campus in terms of age.” Tatler also acquired secret communication from the business office noting that Lakeside would receive $5 million in donations from the families of the competing alums.
After the disaster, the seniors were automatically given the win as assembly time had come to an end. The student section erupted in hooting and hollering after the seniors’ first-ever basketball win. They were quickly silenced by the administration.
