After last year’s bombshell report by Lorelei Schwarz ’25 on the use of performance-enhancing drugs by the faculty team in the 2024-2025 game, we thought it couldn’t get worse. But it certainly has.
December 3, 2025, ~2 p.m.: The Lakeside ‘faculty’ emerge victorious from a hard-fought game against the seniors, marking two wins in a row for the faculty side. Controversy emerges, particularly surrounding the eligibility of boys basketball JVC coach and Lakeside Class of ’24 graduate Thomas Ephrem and his participation as a member of the faculty squad. Nothing is made of it yet.
December 19, 2025, ~2:55 p.m.: Tatler receives an anonymous tip through the online tip form, around 15 minutes before the start of winter break. The tip reads: “THE FACULTY HAVE A SECRET BEHIND THEIR SUCCESS IN BASKETBALL. READ THE SIGNS.” This frantic, cryptic, and seemingly random tip would start an approximately four-month investigation into the ethics of the faculty team, involving over fifty interviews with faculty and administrators.
January 6, 2026, ~1:05 p.m.: Tatler’s first meeting after the tip. A special task force is created to investigate the faculty. Interviews with members of the faculty team would start later that week.
February 10, 2026, ~1:05 p.m.: Over a month after the investigation officially began, the task force has found nothing. Countless teachers and staff have been asked what the team’s secret was: answers ranged from cliched (the classic “teamwork”) to unsurprising (“AJ Turner”) to childish (“we scored more points”). We are close to giving up.
February 13, 2026, ~12 p.m.: Tatler receives another anonymous tip, far more illuminating than the last. It reads, “WATCH DR. PARRY AFTER B1 MCB.”
February 24, 2026, ~1:05 p.m.: Tatler’s first meeting after the second tip. The task force is given new life.
February 25, 2026, ~9:41 a.m.: All eyes were on Dr. Parry as first period came to a close. He was only spotted clearing up after his class’s lab. Nothing suspicious …
March 12, 2026, ~9:48 a.m.: Five B1s later, and no sign of any suspicious activity from Dr. Parry during passing periods. This specific period appeared to be more of the same until, after two minutes, Dr. Parry was spotted making a phone call at approximately 9:43 a.m. He hung up at around 9:45. Gym bag in hand, he hurried through the science core and out of Allen-Gates. Where to? The faculty breakroom in the WCC.
March 13, 2026, ~3:53 p.m.: Certain that all of the answers to the investigation lay inside that room, the task force did what anyone would’ve done. We snuck in. And what did we find?
In the back of the faculty breakroom lay a door, a door that didn’t lead outside. This mysterious door opened to a set of stairs, which led Tatler to its discovery: a sprawling, full, regulation-sized court, equipped with basketballs, rebounding machines, and Gatorade canisters. It felt like it was out of a video game.
But it was more than just a court. An adjacent room was found with a projector and a whiteboard, with physical film tapes strewn across the floor. Upon further inspection, these tapes were scouting reports on the upcoming 2027 class. On the whiteboard were detailed training plans for different teachers.
Shocked by the whole new world beneath the campus, Tatler left as quickly as we could.
This story is live and still being updated.
