The advice column is back and better than ever, and I heard that with April comes lots of Lakesiders yearning for advice. Fear not, foolproof advice is on the way!

Help! I forgot to do my homework. What do I do?

I have two words for you: method acting. Since I know Lakesiders are laden with integrity, honor, and whatnot (I mean, I haven’t received one of those Judicial Committee update emails in a while, so maybe that’s a sign?), you have to make yourself believe that there was something so colossal, so undeniably inexcusable, that you didn’t do your homework. I’d recommend cutting out a dog bite so your dog “ate your homework,” submerging it in a Red Square puddle so that you “dropped it,” and “oh no! It’s ruined!” or becoming best friends with Bruno Mars and accompanying him on The Romantic Tour so that you “had to go see him perform” because “wherever he goes, that’s where I follow.” BAM! You’re even evidence-backed. Isn’t that what they teach us in class anyway? And if you decide to try out the last recommendation … slide tickets to yours truly, please.

What should I do if I want to back away from a friend who’s kind of annoying me?

Many say you can only fight fire with fire, so that leads me to one solution: be the most annoying person you can be. EVER! You have to start subtle and build up so it’s less of a “they’re so quirky” situation and a more “wow, this person just gets more annoying” vibe. 

How many oranges could I eat before you’d get concerned?

I’d never get concerned. Go get that health. You’re probably a little hypovitaminotic anyway because I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat a fruit or vegetable. I’d better see you physically glowing across campus from all that vitamin C intake. When life gives you oranges, eat them! 

How should I reach out to ppl to start talking to them / try and make friends with ppl who I want to *talk to*?

My friend, I have another two words: Veracross. Stalking. Scroll around the tab for your grade (or for the whole school if you’re feeling frisky) and then start calling up the parents of said prospective friend. I’d recommend transporting back to the first grade and saying “Hi I’m ____, let me be friends with your child!” Trust me, they’ll find this very endearing. And remember, if they don’t pick up, the home address is there for a reason. 

No.

Oh… thanks, I guess.