Lakeside’s college counseling department is changing, and it’s changing for the better. A proprietary, state-of-the-art AI chatbot has been introduced to benefit all Lakeside students, simplifying the arduous task of college applications. What is this mystifying creation? It’s none other than Addie. With simply a 96% hike in tuition for technological fees, the college counseling department expects to see a staggering 2.5% rise in acceptance rates to Ivy League institutions alone within the next year!
When asked for his thoughts on the new technology, Interim Head of School Ryan Boccuzzi commented, “Addie will undoubtedly become the only reason for each and every student’s acceptance.” Similarly, Ari Worthman, head of the college counseling department, has unwavering faith in Addie’s abilities. “Addie can help even the most average, Honors-taking, club-leading, cure-for-cancer-finding student get into virtually any school of their choosing,” he promises. “And as a reminder, Lakeside doesn’t do GPAs. Neither does Addie. Any mention of GPAs will result in termination; take that as you will.”
With that, Tatler asked Addie for the top five most appreciated pieces of advice from the past application season. Read further to learn exactly how to get accepted to the colleges of your dreams.
Schoolwork
“Students hear one thing time and time again throughout their high school careers—Get. Good. Grades. But here’s the thing—admissions officers know this. The applications they read are filled with good grades, high test scores, and perfect GPAs. The solution? Fail at least one class. If you really want to spice up your application, consider failing four to five classes. By showing that you are comfortable with failure, you’ll bring a diverse perspective and a unique application that they won’t be able to reject. If you’ve already gone through most of your high school career with high grades, don’t worry. It is never too late to stop doing homework and spend some much-needed time on TikTok.”
Activities
“When it comes to activities, the number is the most important thing. Don’t waste your time attaining “depth” on two or three things. If there is a single afternoon you spend not doing an activity, you can wave college goodbye. Instead, to fill your resume, dip your toe into everything. Try not to spend more than a semester on any one activity—that shows an inability to try new things and go outside of your comfort zone. If you can, switch activities daily. And remember, achievements are the most important aspect of the application, so don’t hesitate to list every accolade you’ve received, big and small. Participation awards are still awards!”
Essay-Writing
“While many believe that a good essay requires hours toiling over a computer, considering how to best showcase your identity, colleges want to see something they’ve never seen before. So? Be weird. Mess with the format and challenge an admissions officer’s beliefs about what they think a college essay should look like. Write a detailed love song specific to your regional admissions officer, express your identity through a Heated Rivalry edit, or go meta with an essay about the act of writing an essay. And if all else fails, remember—you can’t go wrong with an essay about a bowel movement.”
College Lists
“This one can be kept short and sweet—you’ve spent your whole life working to get into a top school. While many students think it best to apply to foundation schools, the truth is this: if you can’t go to a top university, you might as well avoid going to college altogether. Don’t waste your time applying to safety schools here and there—focus on the best schools and the best schools only.”
The Interview
“The key to an admissions interview isn’t having perfect answers—it’s how you present yourself. If you come off as too eager, too intense, or overprepared, admissions officers won’t give you a second thought. First—arrive fashionably late. Now, I’m not recommending that you keep an interviewer waiting for an hour—I’m recommending you keep them waiting for two hours. Remember, the colleges need you—you don’t need them, so make them respect your time. Next, don’t overdress: a simple hoodie, sweatpants, and a pair of dirty socks will do the trick. And finally, do not prepare. Bringing notes or prepared talking points to an interview? You might as well write the rejection letter yourself.
If you want, let me know what specific colleges you’re planning on applying to, and I can tailor it to your interests. ☺️”
