Amidst the recent road closure near Lakeside, many students have gotten tardies for their A1 and B1 classes, because of time spent waiting in traffic. Even those who wake up 30 minutes earlier than usual succumb to the same fate.
However, for the upper class at Lakeside, there is a simpler, more elegant solution to this problem. Helicopters have been found landing in the quad and on the field before school in an effort to circumvent traffic.
When asked about the situation, Lakeside student Jeremiah Z. XIII ’27 had this to say: “All of the other standard Lakeside students have to drive their Lamborghinis and Ferraris on the road and wait in line. Pff, plebs. If I have a helicopter, you certainly know that I am going to use it.”
While most students have to wake up hours before school to waste their mornings in traffic, Lakeside’s richest students can simply fly their way to school. So it wasn’t long before the administration stepped in to address this inequity.
In a public statement to Lakeside students, Mr. Boccuzzi announced: “In order to maintain our commitment to equity and inclusion, those who are unable to afford the essential mode of transportation (that is, helicopters) will each be provided a personal helicopter to travel to and from school.”
He also stressed the importance of helicopters on snow days: “There will be no snow days anymore, as you can simply fly over to school. The journey to school will pose no danger in slippery conditions.”
Last week, the helicopters were shipped out to each of Lakeside’s 500 students (siblings are given one helicopter and encouraged to helicopter-pool). The reaction could not have been more positive.
“Finally Lakeside is starting to address the biggest inequity here. Time is our most valuable resource. These helicopters are really going to change this. We can finally wake up at our usual time and still show up to class on time,” shares Mekai H. ’27.
However, recent data shows that the percentage of Lakeside students who show up on time has actually decreased. Analysts say this is because of a new problem: helicopter traffic. Because Lakesiders, with this faster mode of transportation, simply just sleep in later, everybody often still arrives at around the same time, causing immense traffic. This has again resulted in many students arriving late, though rumors have it that some students’ jets could solve this.
