Brainstorming how to expand the endowment while still paying teachers, last Sunday night, the Lakeside administration gathered in their secret underground hideout to finalize their plans. Early on Monday, they officially announced to all Lakeside students that teachers were to receive a portion of each of their student’s future income, explaining that since the money graduates will make is aided by a Lakeside education, teachers are entitled to a share.
This caused schoolwide outrage, as the following afternoon, hundreds of students gathered around Bliss Hall, protesting against the new Lakeside rule. That very night Mr. Boccuzzi broadcasted the following message in response to the protests: “I understand that this new change may have caused some emotional distress. To maintain Lakeside’s commitment to fairness, we will be making coffee free again.”
Timothy D. ‘27 shared his opinion on this recent development: “But hey, free coffee is free coffee. Lakeside finally did something I actually wanted them to. In history, we stopped learning about why authoritarian regimes are bad. I don’t know why. Now we’re just daytrading; So it’s pretty easy. That’s a plus. School is different now. I kind of like it.”
After teachers were given portions of their students’ income, they changed up their teaching styles. Instead of teaching their normal curriculum, teachers instead prioritized high-risk, high-reward gambles.
History and Economics teacher Mr. Dunkin said, “We’re just studying the markets in class now. Yesterday, we had a Harkness discussion on if buying Tesla is a good idea. We’re just playing around with stocks, trying to get rich.”
“What class is this again?”
“Themes in World History.”
Later in the week, teachers found that they could trade shares of student income ownership. Almost immediately after that, the share value of Brian H. ’27 plummeted while the market cap of business and tech savvy students rose up to millions of dollars. Students with rich parents, like Jeremiah Z. ’27, became valued in the billions from teachers trying to snag some future inheritance money.
“With this new policy, we finally made breakfast in the WCC free. This is what makes Lakeside great!” Mr. Boccuzzi said in a recent statement to Tatler staff.
