Welcome back to a very serious edition of the advice column. By now, you know the drill. Take my very real, very crucial advice with you for the rest of your life because you’ll need it.

I’m going to Antarctica. What should I pack?

I’d suggest taking sunglasses (for the cutest pics!), sunscreen (got-ta keep that skin glowing), and a bikini. You’ll also need food to give to the imaginary polar bears that you will not encounter on the South Pole. Make sure you bring a hammer to hit against the ice sheet in order to create a Titanic 2.0iceberg, as well as some tape to fix any mistakes you make during this process. That’s it.

How to study for a hard test?

First, open your phone and click on your preferred social media app (I highly recommend Instagram). Then, begin what Harvard professors have called “The Scroll^TM,” which is an ancient and well researched method that is guaranteed to get you an A on the aforementioned test. Use your finger to swipe through funny reels and click past interesting stories. For best results, it’s key to take a break every ten minutes in order to DM a friend, celebrity, or your aunt. The Scroll^TM is designed to take a total of three hours and two minutes. Scrolling for less than an hour, however, will negatively impact your performance on the test.

How do I make the first move?

Just gaze into their eyes and hope they notice you. Follow them around to their classes and stare through the windows with the brightest smile you can muster. This is the foundation of your “first move.” After a couple weeks of this treatment, approach them and begin singing a love ballad of your choice to them while your friends encircle them with the “Gangnam Style” dance. Once this ritual is complete, your crush is 100% guaranteed to say yes to you.

What would you do if when you okay so he said yes would go?

If said okay then would go but in this case no because it’s never a yes. But it’s important to know when to stop and when to go. Like now it is green light. Not okay, no. But if he’s hot then anything is right but maybe not. Because really beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Who even says that? Only if you are okay. Understand?

How should I deal with bullies?

Don’t tell anyone. Go to Bliss 311 and cry yourself to sleep. When students come into class, switch locations to the WCC and buy a Nutella & Go! pack. Use the pretzel sticks as a pencil and the Nutella as your ink. Go to the bathroom and write, “I hate [insert the name of your bullies]” on the walls. If there’s enough Nutella left, please make sure to add a sad emoji to the writing. It’s critical that you wash your hands after-ward! Once the hard work is finished and you’re happy with the end product, move to AG 201 and cry again.