In what can only be described as an unprecedented success, the recent merch design competition for the upcoming sprint tailgate has brought out the best in Lakeside’s art community. On April 1, after a month of designing, judging, and procrastination, Student Government finally announced the winner of the contest: Billy Bob Juh O. ’25. His winning design: an authentic lion fur stole with the word “Lkisade ” s t itch e d on poorly.

The fur stole was an immediate hit after being announced in an overly saturated school-wide email that gave half the student body a migraine. Despite its exorbitant price of $4300, students responded well to the design, with many complimenting its “heavenly softness,” “nostalgic feel,” and “ostentatious display of wealth.” One enthusiastic student expressed their infatuation with the article of clothing by placing an order for 47 stoles. When asked by a “Tatler” reporter about the decision to make the remarkable purchase, they simply responded “You just can’t get enough of the lion fur. It’s such a clever way to show our school spirit. It’s so creative, it almost feels illegal to own!” How they obtained the $200,000 is still unknown.

However, even though most students are now strolling around campus dressed in 1930s lioncore fashion, Green Club h as a d a m antly opposed production of the new merch, raising several concerns about the design. In a phone interview, they angrily responded “We as an organization cannot understand the thought process behind students here at Lakeside. I thought we were a school of intellectual thought leaders and not ignorant tyrannical losers. The fur is clearly illegally obtained from poached lions. We are literally killing the mascot of our school for no good reason. Heck, the fur stole doesn’t even look that good. The name of our school is misspelled, for f—.” The interview tape was then cut abruptly following a muffled scream.

Shortly after, the recording of Green Club’s controversial statement leaked to the entire school. The administration took immediate action against this and unanimously agreed to exercise their disciplinary powers for “a completely justified purpose,” as one student put it. The day after their public statement against the tailgate merch, Green Club was shut down and ousted from the school for “having incorrect opinions on clothing.” Their last words were “Evil! You are all evil people who hate animals!” before literally getting their butts kicked out. Following their expulsion from Lakeside, Green Club leaders have found careers in the advertising department at PETA.

While Green Club was swiftly dismantled, Billy Bob Juh, the designer of the merch, was getting his much-deserved attention. He skyrocketed to fame and rose through the ranks of the Lakeside hierarchy, cementing himself as the most popular kid at school. “Tatler” recently acquired a rare opportunity to sit down and talk to the ingenious mind behind the design.

When asked about his previous art background, Billy Bob Juh responded “Oh. This is my first time. Designing. No, not just for the school. No, I mean in general. Like ever.” His mom later confirmed his blatant lack of background or knowledge by saying that her son has spent his entire teenage life thus far locked in his room either feasting on gallons of Rocky Road ice cream or playing “Valorant.” Billy has “the social skills of a stick of gum,” says his dad. “He doesn’t have any self-confidence or motivation,” which was reinforced when Billy Bob Juh responded “Me? Talent? In a sentence together?” when asked about his natural eye for beauty.

Solving the mystery of how a man with so little ability could have his art submitted in a contest, his best friend Fuh Ni ’25 later reached out and mentioned that he had pressured Billy Bob Juh into submitting his art design. “There are no accidents,” quoted Fuh when he heard about the news of his buddy’s success, referencing Master Oogway’s famous line from “Kung Fu Panda.”

All things considered, Billy Bob Juh’s bizarre success could only point to a surplus of talent. In fact, last week, the artist was accepted into the Parsons School of Design in New York with a promising future in luxury design ahead of him.