The Student Newspaper of Lakeside School


The Student Newspaper of Lakeside School


The Student Newspaper of Lakeside School


New Security Measures Needed

We’ve talked about Lakeside’s updated procedures for how students interact with campus, but improvements are still needed in terms of making Lakeside’s campus even more secure. A 100-foot fence is a good start, but much more is needed to make Lakeside truly secure from all possible safety issues. Without further ado, here are expert recommendations for how to deal with Lakeside’s most pressing concerns to put students truly at ease:

Unwanted cars on campus (perhaps a Kia Soul?)

Contract Lakeside’s parking lot construction and management out to Trader Joe’s. Once all of the lots are rebuilt to TJ’s standards, unwelcome guests might be able to find a spot in the lot (if they’re lucky), but they sure as heck won’t be able to leave.

Soccer balls flying from Stimson into the road and/or breaking windows

A small-scale missile defense system. If whatever the Pentagon uses works for rockets, who’s to say it couldn’t deal with a rogue soccer ball?

AI robot takeover
First things first, to prepare for this scenario, the iPad robots have to go. They radiate untrustworthiness. At least they can’t climb stairs. Next, there has to be a mandate that all Lakesiders start saying “please” and “thank you” to ChatGPT after asking it a question. That minimizes our risk of being classified as an enemy to the AI. Finally, we need a new security system to enter school buildings: a captcha test. The true test of someone’s humanity is obviously whether they can rotate a picture of a horse to point in the same direction as the finger is indicating.

Alligator attack
This one’s easy: just say you’ll see them later.

One of our gorgeous, gorgeous trees falling over in a windstorm
Get them into therapy. We have to help them deal with their underlying problems so they can stay strong and keep up that growth mindset.

MORE locks!
We. Need. More! Sure, students take an extra few minutes to verify each others’ identities when opening doors, but why not hours? Doors should be upgraded to include more security measures, including but not limited to: eye scans, padlocks, verification questions, security badges, and 10 riddles to answer.

Unwanted Kias (reprise)?
A transformation of the track into a kind of go-kart racing track for these cars will keep students safe, while appeasing any drivers cruising onto Lakeside campus. Plus, this new feature could double as a new activity for students. Win-win!

Owl Scouts, trademarked
Exercise. Skill building. Getting rid of that pesky owl. Presenting: students in trees, keeping an eye out for the owl that’s been terrorizing Red Square. The Owl Scouts will take shifts in the trees around Red Square: reporting any suspicious behavior they spot from any nearby birds, possibly led by the members of Bird Club.

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About the Contributors
Zane R. '24
Zane R. '24, Editor in Chief
Review: Zane: The Movie (★★★★☆) Released in early 2006, Zane quickly became a fan favorite. A charming and lovable fella, Zane has captured the hearts of watchers around the nation. Top scenes include moving across the world, surfing waves as a 6-yearold on the sunny California coast, and battling his enemies with his Black-Belt karate skills. Despite some judgement, Zane and his journalistic exploits remains well-respected by most. Critics say: "10/10 writer. 8/10 personality." - Lucy K. '24 "Fun sense of humor. Great guy all around." - Rishi L. '24 "He looks a lot like one of my friends. Actually... maybe not." - Stellan M. '23
Lael G. ’25
Lael G. ’25, Copy Editor
Lael is disillusioned.   Born May 29th, the universe stopped when Lael entered the world. Per her own recollection (which is “super sharp”), that day the sun shone brilliantly upon the Earth, babies stopped crying, depression was cured, and militants around the world were perplexed as their weapons began to melt into the ground.   Yet, nothing can last forever. For that moment of “Armistice Day all over again” was infinitesimal. Now, Lael spends her days tossing and turning, giving impassioned TED talks in her head, yearning to return the world to that state of bliss. Since elementary school at St. George -- “once a dragon, always a dragon” -- she’s been rallying the masses to her causes through her work in both the “state media apparatus” (the St. George gazette) and her own, underground student operation -- the deliciously subversive “Daily Whatever.”   In high school, her world-changing career in this field has only continued, whether she’s “Doing it for the Duwamish” in her club at school or in downtown Seattle, reporting in the field on student protests for gun control. “It hasn’t been easy,” she says, “I often think philosophically, about my own life and my place in it, and it’s a burden, the weight of it all, you know?” However, despite the heavy consequences of being an ethics bowl superstar, she gets by as Tatler’s faithful copy editor (with just a little help from GamePigeon and her pet cat, Juliet).

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