We’ve talked about Lakeside’s updated procedures for how students interact with campus, but improvements are still needed in terms of making Lakeside’s campus even more secure. A 100-foot fence is a good start, but much more is needed to make Lakeside truly secure from all possible safety issues. Without further ado, here are expert recommendations for how to deal with Lakeside’s most pressing concerns to put students truly at ease:
Unwanted cars on campus (perhaps a Kia Soul?)
Contract Lakeside’s parking lot construction and management out to Trader Joe’s. Once all of the lots are rebuilt to TJ’s standards, unwelcome guests might be able to find a spot in the lot (if they’re lucky), but they sure as heck won’t be able to leave.
Soccer balls flying from Stimson into the road and/or breaking windows
A small-scale missile defense system. If whatever the Pentagon uses works for rockets, who’s to say it couldn’t deal with a rogue soccer ball?
AI robot takeover
First things first, to prepare for this scenario, the iPad robots have to go. They radiate untrustworthiness. At least they can’t climb stairs. Next, there has to be a mandate that all Lakesiders start saying “please” and “thank you” to ChatGPT after asking it a question. That minimizes our risk of being classified as an enemy to the AI. Finally, we need a new security system to enter school buildings: a captcha test. The true test of someone’s humanity is obviously whether they can rotate a picture of a horse to point in the same direction as the finger is indicating.
Alligator attack
This one’s easy: just say you’ll see them later.
One of our gorgeous, gorgeous trees falling over in a windstorm
Get them into therapy. We have to help them deal with their underlying problems so they can stay strong and keep up that growth mindset.
MORE locks!
We. Need. More! Sure, students take an extra few minutes to verify each others’ identities when opening doors, but why not hours? Doors should be upgraded to include more security measures, including but not limited to: eye scans, padlocks, verification questions, security badges, and 10 riddles to answer.
Unwanted Kias (reprise)?
A transformation of the track into a kind of go-kart racing track for these cars will keep students safe, while appeasing any drivers cruising onto Lakeside campus. Plus, this new feature could double as a new activity for students. Win-win!
Owl Scouts, trademarked
Exercise. Skill building. Getting rid of that pesky owl. Presenting: students in trees, keeping an eye out for the owl that’s been terrorizing Red Square. The Owl Scouts will take shifts in the trees around Red Square: reporting any suspicious behavior they spot from any nearby birds, possibly led by the members of Bird Club.
