The 2024 Presidential Election is already underway — leave it to American politicians to spend more time campaigning than actually solving problems. Not everyone is happy about the major parties’ candidates, though, and many Lakesiders have questions about an election that could be even wilder than the last: a rambunctious one-term president running against a bureaucratic octogenarian.

1. Will “old man Joe” run again?

It appears so, regardless of whether we — and his own party — want him to. Funnily enough, Trump, the only realistic alternative to Biden, has not once criticized Biden’s age, meaning Our Orange has enough brain cells to avoid calling someone three years older than him “a demented bat who lacks basic cognitive skills” on X (still Twitter in our hearts). One thing’s for sure: if Biden wants to run again, he better run — rather than stumble on stairs — while on the campaign trail.

2. Who are the possibilities for candidates other than Biden and Trump?

If I had to give an estimate, I’d say somewhere in the range of 1 in 10 — oh wait, sorry, I meant 1 in 10 to the 10th power. Sorry bub, it ain’t gonna happen. And anyway, who would it realistically be? Vivek Ramaswamy, who wants to eliminate the education department? Robert F. Kennedy, who doesn’t believe in vaccines? Trust me — if you think those two are bad, just wait until Ron DeSanctimonious institutes a ban on “books that hurt the feelings of the nation.”

3. How the heck is Trump still running despite getting indicted so many times??

Two reasons really: half the country doesn’t believe the indictments are legitimate, and any natural-born American over the age of 35 may run for president, even if they’re in prison* or under investigation. 

*There are some Democratic scholars who believe Trump could be disqualified under the 14th Amendment because he partook in an “act of rebellion” against the United States, but seeing as that clause was written specifically for former Confederates, using it in this circumstance would likely result in a legal — and potentially real — war between supporters and detractors of the former president. 

4. I just want to know the views of every politician on topics like climate change and abortion.

Most Democrats support loosening abortion restrictions and fighting climate change, whilst Republicans generally fall the other way. There are some notable exceptions, as always: Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) supports coal mining, Senator Lisa Murwoksi (R-AK) is against abortion restrictions, and somewhat surprisingly, Trump recently claimed he would not sign any abortion laws into effect without the cooperation of Democrats and called Florida’s six week abortion ban a “terrible mistake.”

5. Will there be more or less political polarization?

Democrats will almost invariably support Biden. Republicans are a little more complex; the vast majority is expected to vote for Trump, but there will be countless voters who eschew their support in favor of a third party candidate or even vote for Biden. In short, expect a polarized election where a relatively large number of Republicans vote for a third party candidate.

6. What are the chances we get Obama back just for fun?

Highly unlikely, but not impossible: I believe there’s a constitutional loophole where a former two-term president can be elected to the office of vice president, then assume the office once more if the president dies, resigns, or is impeached. For the time being, though, I think Obama would much rather enjoy his retirement than jump back into the veritable circus that is the 2024 election. 

7. Will Joe Biden survive another term?

According to the most recent data on life expectancy above the age of 70, yes. According to Republican primary candidate Nikki Haley, no. 

8. Which candidate do you think has the best hairstyle?

Definitely Tim Scott.

9. How likely is a coup d’etat?

According to most experts, a coup in 2024 is, if not impossible, extremely improbable: the U.S. government is certainly here to stay. So, if you’re hoping that someone will just haul anchor and establish a new republic altogether, you’d be better off living in France. 

As with any attempt at predicting the future, our claims are just that — claims. Neither of us are sure that our predictions will hold up (hence our hedging on some questions), but we did our best. There is one certainty in this election: it’ll be a circus.