The Cocaine Bear Craze
Do you remember the Berenstain Bears, Winnie-the-Pooh, and the huggable Care Bears? Well, they may be getting a bit of an update. And by update I mean they’re going to be doing cocaine.
Due to the breakout success of the new thriller movie “Cocaine Bear,” which has generated over $58 million dollars since its debut in theaters on February 24, 2023, audiences are left to question what’s next for the franchise and the breakout star herself, Cocaine Bear. While Cocaine Bear is technically CGI and not an actor, audiences have fallen in love with her character. Director Elizabeth Banks has talked about the possibility of a Cocaine Shark movie, but for now studios around the world are focusing on replacing all of your favorite childhood bear characters with Cocaine Bear to generate more revenue for the already highly grossing movie.
Entertainment Tonight has interviewed Elizabeth Banks about this decision, which she is helping to implement. In response, Banks stated, “I mean, Winnie-the-Pooh is already addicted to honey, we’re just replacing it with cocaine.” Banks has faced significant backlash from Anti-Cocaine organizations such as CADCA (Community Anti-drug Coalitions of America), the Catholic Church, and a newly emerging group calling themselves Bears Against Cocaine, or the BAC. They spent their time planning how to get rid of both bears and cocaine entirely.
The BAC is a group of people who self-identify as bear allies and is mostly made up of concerned Gen-X parents who believe that cocaine is the root of all evil. Although their name suggests that they care about the health and safety of bears and other forest animals, they do not. I attended one of their meetings and was shocked to find that they spent their time planning how to get rid of both bears and cocaine entirely. They claim to have support from CADCA, the Church, and more recently, God himself.
But these organizations do not phase Banks and others who are working hard to give our snuggly childhood friends a more coked-up face. They remain confident that their plans will succeed. Some of the changes that are the first to go into action will be changing the book “The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food” to “The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Cocaine” as well as adding a new character to the Care Bear franchise who will be called Coke Bear. As we all know, the Care Bears each showcase a different feeling or attribute that is their entire personality. Coke Bear’s entire personality, as the name suggests, will be doing cocaine. The Care Bears each showcase a different feeling or attribute that is their entire personality. Coke Bear’s entire personality, as the name suggests, will be doing cocaine.
Future projects for Banks and co. include replacing all of the honey in Winnie-the-Pooh with cocaine, changing Baloo’s song, the Bare Necessities, into a song about cocaine, and finally keeping Fozzie Bear exactly the way he is because, according to Banks, “If that bear has any more cocaine, his jokes might actually get funny.”
Cassia W. from the class of ’23
They’re lots of fun and number one, on that, we all agree
Only been here a semester but they’re spilling all the...
