Pachelbel Canon in D Made Mandatory, Cellists Outraged

Outrage flies through the Lakeside Orchestra as its newest unit for the 2022-2023 school year has been announced: a two-month study of the ever-famous Pachelbel’s Canon in D Major. 

Mr. Krus, director of the orchestra, released a broad plan for the next academic year in a statement late February. Most assumed the curriculum would remain the same, as at first glance the document seemed similar to this past year’s plan. Closer examination – and basic arithmetic – revealed a unit on the Canon in D, relegated to a footnote in 1-pt font.

Mr. Krus declined requests for further comments, leaving only a hastily-scrawled note: “I have angered the cellists. I must go,” though Lakeside administration has cited the piece’s popularity in hopes to drive up orchestra sign-ups and concert attendance.

Closer examination – and basic arithmetic – revealed a unit on the Canon in D, relegated to a footnote in 1-pt font.

This plan, however, has seemed to backfire as the entire cello section disappeared overnight, citing “unacceptably discriminatory,” “exceptionally tone-deaf,” and “really boring” decisions, aside from seniors Luke C. ‘22 and Henry C. ‘22 who stated “this doesn’t affect us, y’all juniors gotta figure it out.” The leader of the movement, who prefers to remain anonymous, readily replied to Tatler requests for comments. 

“We play eight notes. Eight. Notes. For 5 minutes. Be grateful we aren’t pursuing legal action for cruel and unusual punishment!” Further elaborating, he states that “we’re going to boycott the orchestra until this injustice is reversed and our demands are met,” one of which is to either completely extract the unit, or add a few weeks for the Bach Cello Suites. With the administration slow to respond and all orchestra leadership presumably in hiding, the situation appears to have settled into a stalemate.

In a stunning upset, the bass section has been given the violin part, adding to the outrage as cellists further claim “nepotism” due to Mr. Krus’ experience as a cellist. Another theory the movement’s leader forwarded was “there was integer overflow from the size of the instrument so they looped back around to being violinists.”

In the meantime, with no cellists, the orchestra’s violists have been called to take over the cello part instead. In a unanimous statement, the section states “still better than that time we had a 24-measure rest.”