Lakeside Offers Plastic Surgery in Place of COVID-19 Testing

Following the latest announcement about optional masking, many Lakesiders have opted to go maskless. Seeing full faces for the first time, students have realized that Lakeside has a bigger problem than COVID-19: ugly people. At Lakeside, the administration’s highest priorities have always lied in appearances. No matter how many years go by without a Metro win or a notable alum, the school has always looked good. This year, that fact has changed. As a result of the pandemic, the school has been living with disaster right beneath its nose. During the admissions process, the administration had not been aware of the lack of attractiveness reflected in the current student body. “We feel maskfished,” teachers have told Tatler. Now that the student body has unmasked, one teacher says it is “time to take action.”

I’m so proud of our community for coming together and putting in the work for such an important cause.

Replacing PCR testing, COVID-19 Health and Safety Officer Mr. Smith has proposed a weekly plastic surgery and cosmetic procedure plan for all students. Participation is required. Exceptions will only be granted to students with religious or medical conflicts, though these students will run the risk of being excluded in Lakeside brochures, the website, and being asked to mask up on Student Visit Days. Lakesiders with crooked teeth will also be offered Invisalign made by volunteer students in Intro to Ceramics. “I’m so proud of our community for coming together and putting in the work for such an important cause. It’s moments like these where I am grateful to be a Lakesider,” Mr. Smith says.

While Mr. Smith’s new proposal may help alleviate some of the aesthetic problems on campus, there are still irreversible consequences to the school. One of the things that attracts students to Lakeside is its beautiful imagery. When people flip through the magazine or scroll through the Instagram, things at Lakeside appear very picturesque. A majority of the student body has admitted to choosing Lakeside for its “hot factor” rather than its prestige. However, with no more attractive faces left on campus, the admissions state that they are understandably “worried for Lakeside’s future.” The Board of Trustees feels similarly. One member said, “Pretty people get donations, and with where we’re at right now, money might be tight for a while.”

There will be some major changes to Lakeside life once what has been dubbed the Prettification Control Response (PCR) is introduced. Students should prepare to dedicate all of their free time to this project. “To truly fix our school, the students must be the ones taking initiative,” an anonymous source in administration told Tatler, “and they need to be volunteering their free time to help eradicate this social and economic crisis.” The school is actively looking for students—particularly those plagued by extreme insecurity—to try their hand at “carving” the future of Lakeside. In uncertain times like these, it is of utmost importance that students are true to their most ambitious selves. Everyone wants to save the school. For this cause, the community needs each and every student to glow up, or if they are unwilling, at least mask up.