Tatler is now formally introducing a revolutionary new application developed by our miracle-working student government—the LION (Lakeside Integrated Omnipotent Nexus). The LION is an app that uses sophisticated machine learning algorithms and well-trained neural networks to optimize its interface and serve as a unified portal to connect all existing platforms that connect all classes and activities that connect all students and parents, faculty and staff, coaches and administrators; in short, everyone in our school community.

The brilliant idea came from a certain genius student who does not wish to be identified at present. His peers and teachers describe him as bright but lax, intelligent but negligent. It has been said that laziness is indeed the mother of invention, and this was especially true here. The student says that he got the idea from Amazon Alexa, Google Assistant, and Microsoft Cortana: all these apps failed to perform his simple command to “jeez, log into my classroom already, I’m gonna be marked tardy!” He was so frustrated that he decided to create his own intelligent virtual assistant. As a student government representative, he realized that his service would benefit all students—and it would only be fitting that the first testers of his new innovation be Lakeside students.

The most important aspect of the LION is its ability to assist its users in an unprecedented fashion—720 degrees in four dimensions. Once downloaded on your smartwatch, smartphone, laptop, and personalized pens, the LION will begin carrying out your every command. No more scrambling to find lost meeting links, no more mouse clicks to find homework assignments, no more confused rifling through your notes. The LION will be your faithful companion, performing your commands without fail. It is indeed omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient.

Remember how you forgot to fill in the Magnus Health app a few days ago, then had to have your temperature checked, and wound up late for your first period class? That will never happen again. The LION will not only measure your temperature without you even noticing it but also automatically submit all your physical metrics. Who needs privacy when convenience prevails?

Student government brainstormed and helped further expand the LION’s features. To find out more, we interviewed Computer Science Teacher Ms. Lenhart, who was highly involved in the project. “All other communication platforms—Discord, Instagram, TikTok—will become obsolete,” says Ms. Lenhart, adding that “the LION will trace you, track you, and treat you as if you were a celebrity.” You can see where all your friends are, and the app will display the shortest path to reach your best friend and the quickest way to avoid your least favorite teacher. What more could you ask for?

The LION also helps reduce your academic stress. It’s intelligent enough to give you just the right amounts of hints when you get stuck on your math homework or your English essay. It’ll play soothing music and meditation exercises at regular intervals, and give you reminders to take a break and eat (healthy) snacks to recharge. If it senses that your stress levels are too high, it’ll even aid you in politely requesting a deadline extension. If you are feeling nervous before hosting a student-led seminar, it’ll walk you through breathing exercises until you calm down. It’ll help you bring out your full potential, becoming the most responsible and resilient student you can possibly be.

Through the LION, one struggle of a brilliant student became the inspiration of student government – and a boon for the entire school community. Our new next-generation application will not only provide opportunities for us to be lazier, but will also provide every one of us with the freedom to be more productive. Now, with the Lakeside Integrated Omnipotent Nexus, what else does a student have left to do? Nothing, yet everything.