Picture this: you, three months after that fateful sunny Friday afternoon, sobbing into your pillow next to an empty tissue box like a hopeless romantic, dreaming about that special someone who just simply doesn’t feel the same. Maybe you shot your shot and it airballed, maybe you’ve just been broken up with, or maybe your situationship, who you thought was sending you signals from across the classroom, is interested in someone else. The feelings you might have, especially around this time of the year, can be difficult to process in whatever form they take.
To clarify, that degree of heartbroken moping has never happened to me. This is a dramatized representation of what could happen to you, but just as the DPT vaccine prevents tetanus, the advice you’ll go on to read can immunize you against heartbreak and help maintain your self-love and dignity as a human being. Sachi’s back this February for the advice column, so to hop on the two-cents train, I, Timothy, return for another TimTalks, this time with helpful, non-satirical advice. Let’s talk about coping with rejection.
First, why should I listen to you and not some love psychologist with a PhD from Yale?
Well, are most psychologists 17-year-old teenagers who’ve firsthand survived the highs and lows of high school crushes? Yeahhhh, didn’t think so. Also, I have… lived experience. No further questions, please.
When thinking about coping with romantic rejection, these Tim-tried-and-tested tips for dealing with this emotional rollercoaster fall into three timeframes: right after the confession, the following day, and the long, long, long weeks ahead.
Right after the moment
It’s important to have time available immediately after for yourself to process. If it’s good news… hooray! But then, you wouldn’t be reading this article, so instead, take this time to breathe and calm your nerves. You might feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders, or you might feel as though your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. Things will feel very surreal, and it’s okay to be in kind-of-denial. The most important thing to understand about the minutes and even hours after is that things won’t quite seem real, and the full extent of the emotional damage is yet to come.
It might be tempting to push your feelings down by distracting yourself with some other activity immediately after, but if you’ve ever tried pushing a beachball underwater, you’ll know it springs back up and smashes into your face. Feel your feelings and accept them, for what they are, confused, blissful, or miserable. I can speak from experience: If you don’t give yourself time to process how you truly feel and just let yourself be, they’ll be harder to deal with in the future.
Next, have a friend or confidant available to talk to. Do this in any case, because if the crush is reciprocated, you have someone to scream and celebrate with. As a very social person who copes by going on hour-long yaps with others, having a person I care about who I can talk to is something that’s particularly important to me. Nevertheless, it’s helpful to have a trusted person whom you can share your emotions with (and is available to receive them!), or get a hug if you’re feeling down. It’s easy to feel lonely after a part of you has been ripped out, but that external support is important.
The painful day after
Alright, alright. Saturday morning. You wake up. For thirty seconds, your arms flail around to smash your alarm clock. The sun is shining through the windows, beckoning you to begin a brand new day. Then, everything suddenly hits you like a dark tsunami of sadness. The day right after is going to be the worst one yet.
What’s worked really well for me in the past is the playlist strategy. If you manage to roll out of bed to your computer after scrolling mindlessly for half an hour under messy covers, I suggest opening up Spotify and making a new playlist with a really emo cover and shoving your favorite songs to sob to in there. Maybe even a few songs that remind you of them. Oh, make it private though — trust me, I’ve learned the hard way.
If you’re feeling uninspired (which you definitely won’t be feeling right after rejection), may I suggest a few songs:
- For those feeling passionate, Mr. Brightside by The Killers
- For those feeling really wallowy, Let Down by Radiohead
- For those feeling contemplative, champagne problems by Taylor Swift
- For those feeling spacey, Normal Thing by Gracie Abrams
- For those feeling a quiet song to lie still to, loml by Taylor Swift
Some good albums include Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department, Billie Eilish’s Hit Me Hard And Soft, and anything by Gracie Abrams.
The next step to this is finding a really soft couch, setting up some very fluffy pillows, curling up in the sun or gazing out a rainy window, putting on your headphones, and just crying for a good hour or two. Let it all out. Every last drop of sadness. If you’re a loud crier, bawl your eyes out while screaming the lyrics to “good 4 u” by Olivia Rodrigo. Or if you’re more like me, lie still as a log face down while listening to “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault)” as your tears slowly soak your blankets.
You might be tempted to do schoolwork instead, but it’s important to give this time to yourself, instead of breaking down in tears in front of your computer later, crying “boohoohoo her favorite country in the Non-Aligned Movement was Cyprus.” During this me-time, you can go through every memory, happy or sad, with this person, knowing that you’ll have to let it go. And that’s okay. The point of all of this is to just give yourself a cathartic moment to release your emotions, which, unbelievably, really does help you feel better.
After your sob sesh, treat yourself to some chocolate or other desired comfort food, and get your dejected butt outside. Go on a walk and enjoy the fresh air. Observe something new about your neighborhood or city block. Even a 15-minute outdoor excursion can help clear your mind and make you realize the beauty in life. I’ve found that giving my love to the world during hard times makes me feel loved.
The dreaded coming weeks
If you’re anything like me, you fall hard and fast. But even though this person may have seemed like the center of your life, you still have lots of other hobbies and interests and incredible traits that make you you. Words to live by: never let anyone else define who you are. This will be your motto for the next few weeks.
If you have the unfortunate situation of having forced proximity with the person over the next few days, I’ve got some great advice for you. Whenever I catch myself feeling sad about the other person, I instead laser focus on something I’m really good at that defines me. For example, if you’re both in Math class and the hoodie they wore that day reignites the almost-smothered flame, start thinking, “That person doesn’t make me me. Me is very good at finding four-dimensional gradient vectors to determine the Cartesian equation of a plane, and that’s why I’m awesome.” Sure, you might feel a bit haughty, but it helps stop the torrent of sadness.
You might also worry about making things awkward, but it doesn’t have to be! In my experience, things may seem awkward for the first few days, but people don’t judge you for liking them. If anything, they’re flattered. Plus, if someone degrades you for having very human emotions, that’s a red flag.
My top coping strategy, though, is exercise. Call me a masochist, but when you’re physically in pain, your emotional pain tends to fade into the backdrop. I’m a big runner, so I like sprinting on my local track. Exercising also helps you feel really cool and awesome because you’re doing something good for your body, which you need lots of.
Other strategies involve tapping into your creative side. Take advantage of your resources, like a journal. Seriously, keep a journal! I’ve found it’s the best way for me to navigate complex emotions. It’s a space dedicated to your thoughts where you can be really honest with yourself. And please, please, PLEASE consider picking up poetry. It may sound stupid, but even some messy free verse that will never grace the light of day can help artistically convey your vehemence. Plus, you can look back on your writing a few months later and maybe even laugh at how dramatic you sound. If you have nosy parents or siblings, make sure to keep it out of prying eyes…
—
I hope these tips will serve you well in your romantic journey. Rejection is hard and can feel really depressing at times, but know that you’re truly awe-inspiring and loved. Plus, everyone gets rejected by someone they like at some time in their lives. Think about this: why does Taylor Swift have so many great songs?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Stay #thriving, and if Tim can move on, so can you. This was Tim, from TimTalks, signing off.
