Call the chiropractor because your favorite advice columnist is SO back! You may have been fooled by Timothy’s April Fool’s cameo, but I’m not quite done yet.
Yet. After my recurring soap opera role as the advice columnist and Life & Culture Editor for the past year and a half, my tenth (double digits!) advice column will be my goodbye to answering your wildest queries and dealing with your insane rizz predicaments. Although my advice columnist days will soon be in my past, stay tuned for more content from your new favorite Managing Editor next year.
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Who would win? Bombardino crocodilo or tralalero tralala?
I’m partial to tralalero tralala, but I’d say they both have a chance. Hands down, tung tung tung sahur would beat both of them for sure. Or has he become weakened after his break up with ballerina cappuccina? Yikes, I’m genuinely so embarrassed to be writing those words. Please, it’s the final few days of school… get off the Italian brain rot at least until summer starts.
Can every even number greater than four be expressed as the sum of two primes?
If I answered these kinds of questions, then ChatGPT would have taken my job a while ago. Go ask GPT or Professor Google about “Goldbach’s Conjecture” and save yourself time to read my actual responses.
What college classes should I sign up for?
Yay… a real question! This is perfect because I literally just watched a random Instagram reel about how to make your freshman-year college schedule. Here’s some advice from me (with the help of a college influencer) about which classes to sign up for in college. First, balance is key. Get some of your general curriculum requirements out of the way and then register for some engaging courses tied to your major or other academic interests. Make sure to add some light electives that you think you’d enjoy to the mix, so you’re not swamped with tests and essays during your first semester in college. Other than subject area, be sure to check both timing and professors before finalizing your schedule. Try to have a solid chunk of free time every day for studying, socializing, attending clubs, etc., and don’t sign up for super early 8 a.m. classes either. Also, try to get the professors you want — stalk ratemyprofessors.com and ask any upperclassmen friends for specific suggestions!
How to talk to women
Uhh, be yourself — and be respectful. Extra points if you’re funny! We don’t bite, trust me. In all seriousness, just be confident enough in yourself and what you want to say in order to have a normal conversation.
How to get him to like me
If he hasn’t already expressed his undying love for you, he probably just doesn’t know how to talk to you (see above). His loss! Again, be confident in yourself (remember, confidence = rizz) and start the conversation. If both of you are on social media, then reply to his stories or DM him something relevant that he can respond to. Casually talk to him in class, text him about any shared interests, compliment him (it’s an ego boost for him), and subtly show off your best traits.
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
This question is so deep-shower-thoughts-core. Scientifically, no, they don’t swim in circles. But intuitively, yes, it makes sense that a one-legged duck would swim in a circle. When I looked this up, the AI overview told me that apparently some ducks with neurological disorders do swim in circles! I’m always learning something new.
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In honor of this being my special, tenth, and final advice column, I also solicited the best advice that Tatler poll responders had ever received (and added my own commentary to them).
Just do something or don’t do it, no one really cares.
Period. Do what you want. Don’t be afraid of others’ judgment — believe it or not, they don’t think about you 24/7.
Make good eye contact.
YES! Not only is this a check mark on the rubric for your million in-class presentation finals, it’s also objectively the most important way to make people feel heard in one-on-one conversations.
When life gives you tangerines, make lemonade.
I don’t really know how practical this advice is, but I get the message behind it!
Your goals will ALWAYS be different from those around you, so you will ALWAYS be achieving different things — and that’s okay.
Wow, deep, genuine, AND comforting. Love this motherly advice.
Love is complicated.
Seriously…tell me about it. After ten advice columns (and too many questions about getting your crush to like you back), this is one of my main takeaways.
What is the point in life if you don’t live it?
Preach. Take risks and live life to the fullest. #YOLO
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Au revoir, for now…
P.S. Never say never. Who knows? I might James-Bond in senior spring for another real 007-worthy goodbye to my advice column.