Ah, yes. It’s that time of the year: a huge list of AP exams to study for, the big final project that can either make or break your grade, and time to kiss up to your teachers so they’ll round your 92.5% to an A. Lakesiders are all experiencing similar things; we just go about coping with them in different ways. As your trusty star reader, let me tell you everything that is working—and not working—with your current study plan…
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th)
Hey. HEY! You’re looking at the stars too? Wait… those tiny white flecks all the way up there aren’t stars? Oh, haha, how predictable: they’re your own expectations. I’m sure that you’re a capable student and a very responsible person when it comes to projects, but I promise, pulling an all-nighter trying to perfect every detail and shove in every literary device in existence in that English essay is not going to help you achieve those goals. You’ll only end up burning yourself out and feeling isolated. Instead, set a timer. Make sure you get enough sleep… your non-existent GPA is counting on it.
Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)
Whenever I talk to you, it’s like talking to a robot. I’m not trying to be mean, but getting a hold of you these days is more challenging than my Spanish IPAs… and that’s saying something. Ghosting your pals online and exchanging nothing but a couple of brisk words in-person might be beneficial for a short-term lock-in session, but not so great for a long-term friendship. Confide in a friend because they certainly know what you’re going through. If you’re not ready for that yet, don’t worry! Take a second to reboot by doing whatever makes you happy.
Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)
You, my friend, are the complete opposite of an Aquarius. Rather than detaching emotionally, your kind soul absorbs everybody else’s stress just so you don’t have to watch them suffer. While I admire this selfless deed, you’re not a superhuman; your stress plus all the stress of your friend group is not exactly the ideal way to end the school year. So, rather than sobbing into a pillow for another hour, bring some warm tea and your favorite book, and just try to *gasp* relax.
Aries (March 21st to April 19th)
Stress? You’re a little firecracker: up and ready for battle. There’s a challenge in front of you? Why not bulldoze your way through it and hope for the best? But if the mound of homework is too hard to break through, you get a little frustrated, and that’s understandable. Screaming, yelling, slamming doors, sound familiar? Pillow-punching and screaming are great ways to relieve stress (trust me, I would know), and much healthier for your friends than venting to that poor Pisces.
Taurus (April 20th to May 20th)
Sometimes, I can’t even tell when you’re stressed. You put on a cold front, wear a pair of giant headphones, and block the whole world out. It’s a façade; while you’re acting all nonchalant and everyone else is scrambling to meet with teachers and finish their assignments, your own stress is sitting somewhere inside of you, ready to come out when you least expect it. Don’t bottle it up: there’s nothing like a warm blanket, some popcorn, and a furry pet to cuddle with.
Gemini (May 21st to June 20th)
Trust me, my fellow Geminis, there is nothing more frantic than a Gemini under stress, including Seattle’s notorious rush hour traffic. One second, it feels like you’re going to collapse to the ground and fall asleep; a minute later, it feels like you’re on a sugar high and bouncing off the walls. Just a couple of seconds later, you’re screaming at the top of your lungs because your friend accidentally chipped your nail; whoops, now you feel really guilty and start thinking about the hundred ways your friend will tell you that they hate you. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! Rather than letting your emotions run wild, do a little journaling to organize your thoughts… then maybe consider apologizing to the friend you snapped at.
Cancer (June 21st to July 22nd)
Wait– I can’t even see you. Where are you?
Oh, there you are. Curled up in a corner with a gallon of ice cream. Complete withdrawal, extreme mood swings, and sudden food cravings? Yup, sounds familiar. You are a Cancer under stress. Say goodbye to the world and say hello to your best friend, who you definitely won’t be texting at three a.m. in the morning. It’s okay to seek help: a warm hug, some emotional validation, and soothing music is the only way out of your shell.
Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)
You’ve just channeled your inner theater kid: on the outside, you’re the confident kid who eats math tests for breakfast, but on the inside, you’re overwhelmed and secretly doubting yourself.
Stressed? Nah, what are you talking about?
Got too much to do? Nah, I’ve got it all handled.
My friend, surviving this pressure cooker of a school is as challenging as it gets, but you will always pull through. Trust me: it’s written in the stars! But seriously, just a few words of affirmation to yourself can really brighten your day.
Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)
Wow, you look… stressed. Let me guess: you’ve got three different Google spreadsheets, four different calendars, and five different to-do lists that you’ve made to help you organize your day. Cue the mental spiral. Why can’t I handle this? Why isn’t this going right?
… because this is life and not everything is perfect. Come to terms with that. Let go of your perfectionist tendencies. Loosen up and allow your day to be more flexible. Organization is important, but sometimes, it’s better to just go with the flow.
Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)
Hello, you’re all smiles today… no wait, that’s just an act. Your people-pleasing tendencies resurface again. What if you’re asked to do somebody else’s part of a final project? You’ll smile and agree, then prepare to sleep at sunrise. But next time, before you do that, look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a little pep talk: it’s time to put yourself first.
Scorpio (October 23rd to November 21st)
Sheesh, it’s like walking through a thunderstorm. Welcome, my enigmatic and overstressed pals, to the underground world of your internal thoughts. This is where you keep every thought, every feeling, every secret, and (most importantly) every grudge that you bear. Stress makes you feel out of place… super understandable. So, you often zero in on your goals and throw yourself into them until you achieve them. While your motivation is no doubt admirable, being hyper-fixated on a certain thing won’t lead to anything except more moodiness and withdrawal. Spend some time alone to process everything, and maybe bring someone along who can understand you.
Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st)
Fight, flight, or freeze? Let me guess: you’ll choose flight.
Three projects due tomorrow? Nah, I can do that later. For now, I’ll just spend the next hour and a half doom-scrolling on Instagram.
While I know the giant load of homework you have is anything but tantalizing, it’s better to face it head-on than pull an all-nighter with nothing but poor-quality work and eye bags to show for it. Stay grounded in your goals and try to stick to them… no matter how much self-coaxing and crying it takes.
Whew, I’m getting stressed just thinking about your stress. I promise I won’t yap too much — time is of the essence during these difficult times. Well, until next time … (I hope you survive finals week). Good luck!
