Alright Lakesiders. I may not be the advice columnist this school deserves, but you know pretty darn well I’m the columnist Lakeside needs. So for April’s advice column, move over, Sachi, it’s “Tim” to hear some real advice.
How can I get lunch most efficiently?
Ah, yes. Fuel efficiency is an increasingly important aspect of our lives, especially as gas prices race egg prices to become the most expensive household goods. According to the Department of Energy, most gasoline-powered cars are, at maximum efficiency, cruising at 55 mph. Since the average adult weighs about 4.5% of a car, I recommend you walk at 2.475 miles per hour, or about 11.5 Big Macs per second in freedom units.
What’s your advice on staying in touch with people once they move away (college, etc.)?
I’m not a stalker, so I won’t tell you to pay close attention to their Strava accounts so you can see what kind of workouts they’ve been up to. Their 5k time looking a bit slow? Send someone to check up on them — a stranger tailing you in the dark makes spectacular running motivation. They (and their personal best) will appreciate it.
What are your New Year’s resolutions?
My skin’s been a bit dry, so one goal is consistent moisturization via hour-long sob sessions post crew practice.
How do I subtly show a guy I like him? I’m not the best at being subtle, and I really don’t want to screw this up.
English taught me that subtlety is in the details. For example, when asking them to homecoming, secretly slip a note complimenting their cologne in the bouquet of roses you gift them. Or, while sharing a bottle of Krug Clos d’Ambonnay Blanc de Noirs Brut at Canlis, covertly hire a pilot to write out a profession of love in the sky. For a low budget option, you can always slip him a pack of chocolate in his mailbox. I’d fall immediately.
Guys, what do I do when my crush doesn’t know I exist?
Marketing is crucial for small businesses — and in the world of romance, you’re a near-bankrupt firm. As they say, there is no such thing as bad publicity. Pull a risky stunt involving dolphins, and plaster your name wherever you go. Next, take advantage of social media. Elon Musk may have spent $44 billion to buy Twitter, but for you, it’s free! Post funny videos where you dance to silly TikToks. You’re sure to end up on your crush’s feed eventually.
How do I balance sports, school, other extracurriculars, and friends?
Well, first you need to understand how much each activity means to you. Lay several cards with the names of the activities you’re debating over in front of you. Lock yourself in a dark room, light some scented candles, dress in some comfy dark robes, and pull out a book of incantations. Then, exit your mortal body into the Astral Realm. The direction your now soulless flesh husk falls towards are the activities you should continue. Destroy everything else.
How do you stay motivated and not burn out when the workload gets big and assignments get hard? (I’m in junior spring )
You guys are asking some real good questions. This job’s too hard. I’m quitting.
