Hey Lakesiders, Gossip Girl here. And boy, do I have some news for you. Your very own Tatler is finally making good on its name with some hot goss, and Gossip Girl is your one and only source into the secrets of the finest in the Seattle area. Gone are the days of boring newspaper articles, because I’ve got something newsworthy for you. While Lakeside may be known for its academic excellence and less for the piping hot tea, Gossip Girl is here to uncover the truths lying in plain sight. Feeling bored? Not for long.
Now, your curious minds may be wondering, how did the Tatler even get this idea past the admin? When our own JB and RR sat down with Mr. Bocuzzi to discuss this new column, Mr. Bocuzzi was shockingly delighted, going so far to say it’s “simply superb.” With the administration calling this idea a “great way to connect our community and promote honest conversation” and saying that “a gossip column would DIRECTLY follow the Community Expectations,” it looks like you guys won’t be getting rid of me anytime soon. At least he was right about the honest stuff. Uh oh, Mr. Boccuzzi … hope your decision doesn’t bite you in the back. Or should we say… bag?
Who will my first target be? I’ll give you a hint: teachers, better watch your tails. Because you’ll never guess what I’ve dug up about you. As for me? Some say gossip travels fast, but Gossip Girl is faster.
Welcome to Tatler’s official gossip column, covering everything you need to know about the latest Lakeside happenings with EXCLUSIVE behind-the-scenes interviews with your beloved Lakeside faculty, students, and administrators.
This month’s column delves deep into the hidden secrets of all your teachers — from high-profile scandals to difficult confessions. You may feign innocence, but you know deep down that you love to hear this gossip!
1. Mr. Boccuzzi CAUGHT Succumbing to His Luxury Shopping Addiction (AGAIN!)
When the story of Mr. Boccuzzi dropping a fortune on the Hermés Birkin bag first broke in April 2023, he repented for a couple of years, wallowing in defeat and reflecting upon his misguided actions. Yet, inevitably “the urge” returned. “I can’t help it,” says administrator Mr. Boccuzzi, “I just have an itch to buy, buy, buy.” On a recent academic conference visit to New York this week, Mr. Boccuzzi roamed the streets of Times Square, eyes gleaming with joy. Ultimately, he settled on the Prada crochet tote bag for a modest $2000 (resale!) and patted himself on the back for his relative exercise of restraint. As he pulled out his wallet to pay in cash, on the cusp of yet another exorbitant (and unnecessary) purchase, he thought to himself, “Just one bag. No one has to know.”
2. You Won’t BELIEVE What Ms. Erickson Did Last Weekend
New photos from paparazzi were recently unveiled showing Ms. Erickson’s biggest secret: her second job. Each weekend, she takes a Spirit Airlines flight to the swamps of Louisiana where she participates in a form of teaching. It’s now been confirmed by Tatler that she’s succeeded Jeremy Dufrene (Lana Del Rey’s husband) as the #1 most sought-after alligator tour guide in the state. “It’s so fulfilling,” Ms. Erickson shares with us. “Way more so than my work at Lakeside.” Our anonymous source later assured us that Ms. Erickson keeps up with grading on her weekend outings, sometimes even multi-tasking during her tours. If you ever see muddy water on your graded physics tests, now you know why!
3. Profe Gamez Confesses His Jokes Are All Written by ChatGPT
During a recent language department meeting, Profe Gamez was caught whispering to his colleagues in an embarrassed voice about his unique usage of AI. “ChatGPT is my greatest resource for coming up with Spanish jokes,” he confessed. He’s always aspired to be seen as funny ever since a hilarious high school teacher left an indelible mark on his youth, but when he first became a teacher, he discovered that — no matter how hard he tried — he couldn’t foster laughter in his classroom. Lamenting about his inability to write funny jokes himself, he claimed, “I just don’t have the gift of humor.” Now, he hides his inability to crack jokes with the perfect facade of ChatGPT-curated humor interspersed throughout his daily Spanish slideshow.
4. BEHIND-THE-SCENES: Ms. Kaz Gives Us an Exclusive Tour of Her Ancient Victorian-Era Palace
While her ancient Victorian-era palatial estate may seem out-of-the-ordinary in Seattle, Ms. Kaz claims its location is the least strange part of her home. Right behind the dusty bookshelves filled from one side to the other with literature and novels with crumbling pages lies a secret hallway where the ghosts of Charlotte, Emily, and Anne Brontë haunt the walls. The Brontë sisters whisper through the chartreuse wallpaper in her bedroom to plan lessons for her and help grade her students’ papers. Ms. Kaz’s curriculum adaptations are at the whim of the sisters, and — watch out — students who critique their writing are bound to get a poor grade on their next assignment. “They won’t leave me alone, but, you know what, I’ve grown to appreciate their presence,” she says smiling, ignoring someone at the door named Catherine trying to get in. “Having that personal experience with the Brontë sisters really informs how I teach my students about their work.”
5. Is Mr. Shiner the New Adam Sandler?
Tatler just received exclusive red carpet and glambot media from last month’s A-list Oscars ceremony. Rather than donning the customary designer suit, Mr. Shiner took a stand on fashion by rejecting the expensive outfit for one that, in Adam-Sandler-style, prioritized simplicity and comfort. His Oscars clothing consisted of his typical blue jacket and tan khakis as well as his accessory of black biking pants that he swung around his wrist while strutting the carpet. When asked for comment, he mentioned, “I just want to embrace my love for the outdoors and bring the PNW aesthetic to mainstream fashion.”
That’s all for this month’s gossip, but be on the lookout for the next edition of Tatler Tabloids covering the latest student gossip. If YOU have any information to contribute to your favorite gossip column, don’t forget to reach out at gossip.girl@lakesideschool.org.
XOXO,
Gossip Girl
