Three Lakeside students have achieved the impossible — curing cancer. For the first time in scientific history, the disease has been conquered by utilizing the immune system to “harass” tumor cells into “converting” back to normal. The students received the 1st Award at the Introspectively Sigma Egalitarian Fair (ISEF) and were generously given a five thousand dollar grant by Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s Foundation for Vaccine Research. Scientists from around the world are hoping that this new innovation will end cancer once and for all — and, crucially, that it will finally democratize access to cancer treatment for the general public.
Their revolutionary breakthrough—weaponizing immune cells into passive-aggressive micromanagers—came about when one team member accidentally spilled her five-dollar WCC coffee onto a petri dish that was resting on her three-inch thick pile of unfinished work spanning 16 college-level disciplines. The overachieving and hyperproductive tumor cells simply “gave up” and reverted to normal cells. “It turns out cancer cells just needed to be burnt out and gaslit into behaving properly,” one team member explained. They admitted they didn’t really know what caused the effect, but they told us that their research advisors, Mr. Claude and Mr. L. L. Model (LLM for short), informed them that “the reaction underscored the profound importance of the immune system.”
In light of safety concerns, the team has been hidden in the Moore Basement after multiple comments online warning of agents of the “Canvas Instructure Administration” (CIA) targeting their location. They have been prohibited from traveling via plane due to “explosive concerns” — the Washington State Government could not elaborate further.
This achievement is very unique since the team members are the first Lakeside students in history to do research and compete in ISEF, as well as the first Lakesiders to be offered prestigious spots at the Pinterest Reel’s Instagram Matchmaker Entrance Selection (PRIMES) run by the Mundane Institute for Teletyping (MIT). While many skeptics have pointed out that this is the 739th reported “high school cure for cancer” in the past decade, the Lakeside team insists that their cure is the first to have been tested on at least three actual mice (one of which remains half-alive) and the Lakeside Owl, who curiously hasn’t been sighted for several months now.
“Every year, high schoolers are curing cancer at a rate that makes actual medical researchers look like they’re running a Ponzi scheme,” said Dr. Evelyn Cartwright, an oncologist at the National Cancer Institute that Tatler managed to interview alongside Zaamon Founder Buff Jezos and of course, Macrohard Co-Founder Gill Bates. “And yet, somehow, cancer remains very much a thing.” When questioned on why she specifically mentioned a Ponzi scheme, Dr. Cartwright declined to comment and suddenly disappeared in front of Tatler’s own eyes.
On a recent NBC YouTube video that featured the team, one commenter said, “It’s like you literally have to cure cancer to get into Harvard” — and they’re not wrong. The team is currently fielding offers from multiple prestigious institutions, including the Elon Musk Academy for Self-Certified Geniuses, Stanford’s “You Got Into ISEF? Say No More” Early Action Program, and Harvard’s Department of “If You Cured Cancer, Here’s Your Dorm Room.” They are also considering skipping college entirely and going straight to TED Talk stardom, with upcoming keynotes such as “How I Beat Cancer Before I Could Legally Drive,” “Overthrowing the Medical Industrial Complex with a Bunsen Burner,” and “Why You Should Listen to Teen Scientists (Until Next Week When the Next Ones Replace Us).”
The team’s names have been added to a gold-studded plaque in the Allen-Gates Math Core, which will be promptly removed when next year’s freshmen cure cancer better.
This is only the latest Lakeside hyperfixation on a long list of extracurricular activities that we have come to hold. The future is unclear — but one thing remains certain: this cancer cure, like all the others before it, will revolutionize the world… right up until next year in September, when three more students in hoodies and pajama pants will stare earnestly into a poor biology teacher’s face and declare that they have finally, truly, definitively cured cancer.
And so, the cycle continues.
FOOTNOTES:
1. ISEF refers to the International Science and Engineering Fair, one of the largest and most prestigious research competitions for young scientists.
- LLM means Large Language Model, the type of Artificial Intelligence program that ChatGPT uses.
- CIA is the Central Intelligence Agency, and its use refers back to the running online joke that scientists who find a cure to cancer will disappear because of the government.
- PRIMES-MIT is a prestigious math-based research program that several Lakesiders have been admitted to in the past. It’s rumored to be a straight path to MIT.
- Zaamon = Amazon
- Macrohard = Microsoft
