Wednesday, February 12, 2025: a cold, stormy winter day, and a dark afternoon for Lakeside seniors. After the disheartening seniors vs. faculty basketball game, the class of 2025 walked to their classes, complaining loudly to anyone who would listen about the unfairness of the match. “People should not be allowed to be that tall,” Lael G. ’25 was heard saying in the game’s aftermath (we’re not sure who she was referring to.) The seniors’ gripes, much the same as after their first loss in the fall, have been largely ignored by the broader school community.
However, shocking new evidence uncovered this week by Tatler investigative reporters suggests that complaints of an unfair advantage may carry some weight. In fact, several faculty members have allegedly tested positive for performance-enhancing steroids, including methylphenidate, various amphetamines, and other drugs that shouldn’t be mentioned in a high school newspaper.
Dr. Kevin “The Hurricane” Kimura of the Lakeside English department is one such teacher who faces serious allegations. His electric performance on the court in February is now being scrutinized for signs of the characteristic mood swings and mania that accompany steroid use. For now, Dr. Kevin “The Sledgehammer” Kimura denies the swirl of rumors, yet still seeks to explain himself, already preparing a defense. “When I was at Lakeside back in the early aughts, the faculty were just as unbeatable. Everybody knew they were also — excuse me, they were, unlike us, using. Is it so wrong to want the taste of victory that I never got as a senior?”
Senior/faculty basketball game commentator Kyle F. ’25 argues that it is, as a matter of fact. “These teachers are setting horrible examples for us young people. It would be one thing if they were filling the air vents with crickets. Or, if you want another example, breakdancing during the awkward silences in assembly. Or, like, shoplifting an absurd amount of Q-Tips. Maybe even guzzling lighter fluid. Contracting both Flu A and Flu B and spreading it to the entire cast of Hadestown on purpose. Insisting time after time that turkey is vegan. Refusing to acknowledge if they’ve pushed a “pull” door even after someone else opens it for them the correct way.”
Kyle takes an astoundingly large breath and continues. “Running around setting off all of the fire alarms because there was supposed to be a drill that day anyway and they figured, ‘hey, what the hell.’ Wondering aloud about what kind of animal best represents their current mood. Taking exercise walks with those little pink weights and gossiping. Even returning papers one month, four days, and seven and a half hours after the due date,” he coughed pointedly, “would be better than using steroids!” He sighed deeply. “But this? This is too far. I mean, we’re at a school.”
These concerns are echoed in a petition signed by the entire senior class and distributed across campus. It reads, “Lakeside faculty have violated the Community Expectations by engaging in the use of performance enhancing substances. How are we meant to act with an ethical mindset if those who we look up to on campus aren’t upholding the competency of collaboration and leadership?”
But perhaps Dr. Kevin “The Vitamix A3500 Ascent Series Smart Blender” Kimura has the last laugh. Several star faculty members who allegedly competed in the game, including Alban Dennis, Andrew Garfield, and Patrick Graff (a very friendly robot created by the Andromeda AI team), are being recruited by D1 universities to play against their own seniors. These schools include DePaul, The School of Hard Knocks and Soft Answers, and Duke. These teachers have been wearing their college sweatshirts nonstop, with no regard for the precarious emotional state of Lakesiders who just reeeeeeeeeally want to go to [REDACTED]. That’s all they’ve ever wanted. Nothing more than that. They’d give everything up to go to [REDACTED]. Their children. Their pets. Their family. If only they could go to [REDACTED]. If you can recruit Dr. Kevin “The Perpetual Grain of Sand” Kimura, you can accept me. Please. [REDACTED]. Pleasee.
