Since Valentine’s day, public displays of affection in the WCC have become increasingly common, leading to six deaths and nine hospitalizations of singles who lost their appetite to the point of starvation. “There I was eating my lunch one day,” said single Devon S. ’28, who returned to school last week after two weeks in the ER, “and guess what I see on the couch in the corner! So I evacuated immediately, but the next day: there they were again. So I stopped getting lunch for three weeks. Suddenly, everything went dark and I woke up at Seattle Children’s.” Devon, one of the leaders of newly formed student activist group, Students Against Public Displays of Affection (SAPDA), is part of a group of trailblazers leading the campaign to implement rule changes regarding public affection between students. Their proposal includes a ban on publicly engaging in any kind of physical contact, as well as mandating all Harkness tables be replaced by appropriately distanced individual desks.

In response, a counter-movement has sprung from couples and students who are “ready to mingle.” The recently formed Students for Egalitarian Couple Statutes (SECS) has strongly contested these changes, arguing that the SAPDA regulations are a violation of their rights. “If you can’t take the heat,” member Emmett S. ’28 told Tatler, “get out of the kitchen.”

At assembly on Wednesday, Mr. Boccuzzi gave a long awaited announcement after a stand-off in the WCC as SAPDA attempted to stage a walk-out at the same time as SECS had planned a walk-in. He told the school, “We can’t ignore SAPDA’s reasonable concerns. That said, we also can’t ignore the positive shift in perception of our school among applicants.” Ultimately, he told the student body the administration would begin to enforce a harsh two-week suspension policy for anyone seen making physical contact with another person. However, SECS cofounder Otto R. ’28 remains hopeful. “SECS isn’t going anywhere,” he told reporters on Thursday. “They can’t report what they can’t see.”