Dr. Parry, the head of the science department at Lakeside, is a highly respected figurehead for science and education within our community. He is many things, but above all, he is a flat earther. In a “Tatler” interview with him, we were able to uncover some unfathomable secrets of our world and gain some rationale as to why the earth is flat. 

Grounding Beliefs

Do you believe the earth is flat?

Yes.

For how long have you been a flat-earther?

For as long as the earth has been flat, so forever.

What is your logic?

It’s pretty straightforward…if you look, the world seems pretty flat. You’re standing on the earth right now. Look to the left, look to the right. Flat. As a scientist, I know it’s important to follow the evidence, and clearly, it’s evident that the earth is flat. 

What would you say to someone who is not a believer?

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is so anti-science. It can be difficult to change those minds. What we try to do is just open their eyes. Take them out, maybe to Iowa, a very flat place. Or go to the coast, I mean if you squint, what do you see? Nothing. Point proven.

Do you have a community of fellow flat-earthers?

Really, the whole science department. Again, it’s all about being curious and asking questions about our world, looking for logic, and then drawing conclusions. We’ve all done that and determined the Earth is definitely flat. 

The world’s belief, Galileo, Space, AI

Are the Lakeside science teachers alone in this belief?

I don’t think I’m supposed to say this, but all scientists actually believe the earth is flat. It’s kind of like a big elaborate joke, started by Galileo. He thought, “You know what would be funny? If we convince people that the earth is a sphere when clearly it’s not.” So it’s been a big joke building for a while, and it may be a thousand years before the punchline comes. I probably wasn’t supposed to say that, though. 

If all scientists are behind this, are larger corporations like NASA also involved?

If you mean by NASA people who have been to space, well, we’ve never been to space. Have you seen some of the things AI can do? It’s not rocket science. Speaking of, going in a rocket into the sky, and then going around the earth and coming back, I mean come on. That’s clearly made up. 

How are plane flights possible then?

What a lot of people don’t know is that if you look out the window on a flight, you’re not actually in the air. It’s a virtual simulation, you’re just staying in the same place, and people are changing the scenery all around you. You can do some amazing things with temperature, landscapes, and all of that these days.

Where does all the funding for these experiments go?

If you’re an official scientist worldwide, there’s a kickback every year. The Flat Earth kickback. We all do our jobs, pretend the earth is spherical and such, and then a little something shows up in our bank accounts. You know, just spreading the wealth. I mean, the plans to go to Mars? That’s going to be the best. Funding. Ever. We’re going to be going on vacations and buying some Lambos.

Global Warming

What are your takes on global warming?

Temperatures are definitely rising, but that supports my logic. What’s been happening is as different parts of the world become more or less populated, gravity takes effect and the flat earth becomes tilted. So if we all go to, say, Antarctica, we could literally flip the world over. But for now, the earth is tilted towards the sun, getting more direct UV rays, and heating up the earth. 

Where would we go if the world flipped over?

Well, of course, we’d fall off. We’d end up in the place where the dragons are. 

In order to prevent all of this what are your solutions to global warming?

What we need to do is to get everyone to spread out and stay there and we’ll be good. There’s definitely some finetuning to the plan though. We could probably move within a 10-meter radius, which causes some difficulty regarding exercise, food, and keeping the population going. 

How will scientists fine-tune this plan?

Lakeside is a leader in the science community and the world in general, so we could be a testing site. Part of our Lakeside Global Warming initiative is to spread us all out. We could be an inspiration. We can use the new building in construction right now to experiment. 

Dragons and Endings

With this logic, is there an “edge of the world?”

If you go far enough, yes, for sure. But, it would be hard to get past the dragons to see the edge.

Have you, or anyone, ever seen the dragons?

I mean, if you see a dragon, it’s probably too late for you.  

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

My role as a teacher is to educate, and I’m so glad I had a chance to share all this with the community.