The national debt is rising — and rising fast. U.S. Treasury data reveals that, in just two decades, the nation has accrued over $23 trillion in debt. And the trend doesn’t look like it’s going to stop anytime soon. Political figures pin the blame on various reasons like military spending and economic recessions and stimuli, but nobody has ever considered the largest, most unknown factor of them all: Lakeside’s very own school newspaper.
What secrets could an innocent, quirky high school newspaper hold? Plenty, it turns out, as a recent FBI investigation into the strange disappearance of several trillion dollars from the Treasury reserves traced a phone call back to Lakeside’s campus.
Around 6 p.m. on December 10, a group of masked agents stormed onto campus and discovered a secret basement underneath the mysterious “Tatler” Room. Upon a violent break-in of the subterranean shelter, the agents were immediately greeted with several shocking artifacts: a map presumably leading to Atlantis, Amelia Earhart’s plane, and a large dossier marked “TOP SECRET.” The next day, it was announced nationally that the dossier the agents had stumbled upon was proof of “Tatler” receiving illicit subsidization from the government. Over the past year, the paper has received a total of $10 trillion in Treasury bonds, gold bars, and cold hard cash.
“I never really believed that the planes the U.S. military were buying cost 500 million bucks a pop,” says a Lakeside parent. “I guess that explains where my taxes went.”
In response to the accusatory statements by the public after the scandalous revelation, the editors-in-chief of “Tatler,” Zane R. ’24 and Lucy K. ’24, confirmed the validity of the allegations in a press conference held on the day of the announcement. “‘Tatler’ indeed did accept the gracious funding … I mean, extra money can’t hurt, right?” replied Lucy shamelessly.
The story behind the funding is quite simple despite bringing up more questions the more investigators think about it. According to Zane, a well dressed agent whose identity is still unconfirmed showed up at the newspaper’s doorstep one day and left them an envelope containing several billion dollars. From that point on, the payments in various forms kept flowing in weekly.
“We were told that the cause for the investment was a governmental initiative to improve the quality of school newspapers, and that we were the prime candidate due to our constant reporting with extremely accurate and precise information that everybody loves,” claimed Lucy, “so we decided to use this money for good and improve the quality of our paper.”
The first big change was the decision to print in color. In December, the paper switched from plain old black and white to color on the first, back, and middle pages. Why not the whole paper in color? Well, the editors-in-chief later answered that they misread the extra printing cost of $25,000,000,000 as $2,500.
“Originally, we had some other plans for ‘Tatler’ as well,” said Zane. “For example, we wanted to print the whole newspaper on shinier paper, include five new sections on gossip, politics, food & fashion, finance, and rowing, as well as expand ‘Tatler’ to several other states. But now, after the tiny itsy-bitsy teensy-weensy slip up where we maybe might’ve accidentally lost $25 billion, we can’t afford that anymore.”
$25 billion may seem like chump change compared to the roughly $9.9 trillion left in their budget, but Lucy assured the crowd that that money was left for “super duper important things.” Important things like improving the quality of life of their members.
“One big complaint we received as editors-in-chief was the fact that our staff were underappreciated. They work constantly and never receive any benefits like health insurance, paid time off, or a pinball machine. So we decided to give them that. Also, we decided to purchase some other luxuries to increase the happiness and productivity of our writers, photographers, designers, editors, and artists. We’re repurposing our basement into a lounge complete with a sushi bar and a non-alcoholic beverage bar!”
Furthermore, travel to journalism conferences is now paid for by “Tatler.” For the upcoming convention in Kansas City, “Tatler” spent $11 billion to purchase a fleet of two dozen Boeing 787-10 Dreamliners, all outfitted with state-of-the-art technology and comforts. They spent an additional $25 billion bribing news media outlets to not discuss the absurd environmental impact of 24 jumbo jets.
Sadly, the newspaper’s egregious spending doesn’t end at that. Anonymous sources, concealed for their safety, report seeing “Tatler” staff wearing clothing from expensive, exclusive luxury brands such as Louis Vuitton and Hermès. An insider from the fashion industry claims that several brands are planning to release new collections in collaboration with “Tatler.”
The fashion industry isn’t the only sector that “Tatler” had its greedy claws in, though. Entire companies in Europe and Asia were bought out under Tatler’s name, and numerous brands of dog food, athletic wear, and even throw pillows are being released by the day. Investors from Wall Street predict “Tatler” will own 15% of the U.S. economy by the time the splurge is over.
As a terrifying side effect of the newfound wealth of the newspaper, several members have been observed to be driven mad with power. Two freshmen say that Tatler’s most likeable member, Timothy D. ’27, suddenly went from warm and friendly to distant and cold one day.
“He used to smile at us during passing period,” reported one freshman. “Now, he always wears a frown like those supermodels in paparazzi shots. He always acts like he’s better than everyone and walks with so much arrogance he doesn’t even look directly into anybody’s eyes anymore. He used to dress pretty low-key and casual, but the only thing he wears now is a Chanel Tweed Bouclé jacket and Gucci crystal-embellished slingback sandals,” they said while sitting on the new Roche Bobois Mah Jong couch in the brand-new “Tatler” interview room, weeping into a “Tatler” gold-embroidered handkerchief.
As more and more members show up in Bugatti Chiron Super Sports, there seems to be no end to the lavishing. As the influence of the newspaper spreads globally and the insidious grip of materialism consumes the souls of its staff, it looks like the only future for humankind is “Tatler.”
“‘Tatler’ is the Kardashians and multinational conglomerates combined in one soulless, fake entity,” says one teacher. “Someone has to speak up, or soon enough, we’ll all be eating ‘Tatler’ pizza on ‘Tatler’ plates cooked in a ‘Tatler’ oven.”
