The queen of nudging others to get more shut-eye said it herself: Sleep is a waste of time.
Several informants from Ms. Long’s Yoga Fusion class report her claiming that “sleep doesn’t matter” after an explosive tantrum about students not completing their homework during her first class yesterday.
“You are all lazy people. Night’s not the time to be lounging around on your bed. Get your butts up and start stretching those quads!” said Ms. Long, verbatim.
Whether her words really reflect her beliefs or just a senseless out-burst, students are critical nevertheless.
Dr. Kimura spotted with mysterious stranger on vacation – who could it be?
The latest news from our informants in Europe shows a picture of Dr. Kimura strolling around the streets of Venice, Italy with a mysterious figure in a black hat and sunglasses.
From the grainy images, it appears that this new person is surprisingly short: about 55cm in height. Also, they appear to have purple furry skin sticking out from a shirt with “COOL ELEPHANT” emblazoned on it.
Amidst the atypical stature, one of our insiders gave us the name of the subject of this scandalous new affair: Mr. Floppyears. Mr. Floppyears and Dr. Kimura were spotted walking out of the restaurant Oro at around 5 p.m., April 1st.
As Dr. Kimura and Mr. Floppyears sat on the side of a canal watching the sunset, “LionLeak” paparazzi were able to get a clearer image of the two. The images revealed that Mr. Floppyears was none other than Bing Bong, Dr. Kimura’s childhood imaginary companion brought to life from “Inside Out.”
When asked for comment, Dr.Kimura stated that the outing with Mr.Floppyears/Bing Bong was an effort to connect more deeply with his emotions and inner child while spending time away from school. Judicial
Committee caught accepting $2,000 bribe, says it’s “all part of the business”
Sensational news hit the floor today as two members of Lakeside’s Judicial Committee (JC) were spotted walking out from behind the McKay Chapel with their pockets stuffed full of cash.
At 9:40 a.m. on April 1, JC representatives JoeingJ. ’24 and Scarebus L. ’25 were tailed by “LionLeak” to a mysterious location this Thursday.
Our sleuths brought us a video taken from atop a tree of them exchanging money with another student, who has been identified as Noirberry M.S. ’27.
Noirberry was shown to be stuffing cash into Joeing’s shirt pocket, making a shushing gesture, and dragging her finger across her neck. After, the JC reps sauntered away as if nothing happened.
We speculate the explanation behind Noirberry’s presence was her involvement in a very recent schoolwide scandal where she was accused of selling crude petroleum to unsuspecting 6th graders, telling them it was a new kind of skincare product.
Noirberry is a popular figure at school, whose extremely wealthy parents got their fortune from “striking black gold,” says Noirberry. Now, it seems, students have a clearer picture of what she meant.
An anonymous informant from inside JC contacted “LionLeak” today and admitted to accepting the“$2000 gracious gift from our benevolent benefactor.”
“It’s all part of the business,” is all they said before hanging up.
Mr. Joneschild spotted at “Birds Aren’t Real” protest; students question his loyalties
Disaster strikes the science department as one of our informants sent us this photo of a man in bird glasses and an “If it flies, it spies” T-shirt. Lo and behold, it’s none other than our beloved science teacher: Mr. Joneschild.
It’s hard to believe we were duped for years into thinking he was a dedicated man of his craft, but it was unmistakably him chanting his heart out in down-town Seattle this weekend.
Meanwhile, the rest of the science department held an emergency meeting about potentially kicking Mr. Joneschild off the team. “Avians may be an enemy to him, but to us, he is the enemy,” said one teacher who asked to remain anonymous.
But this wasn’t the first instance of “Birds Aren’t Real” activism Mr. Joneschild has participated in. One friend messaged us about tweets from an account named @birdsdontfly38 with several aggressive anti-bird posts. “The truth is out — better shut it with those LIES, @POTUS!” declared one from last week.
The anonymous friend claims that the account was Mr. Joneschild’s alternate account. A quick dive into his followed/followers confirms this fact, with the account’s sole follower being Mr. Joneschild.“I always knew there was something under that guise of confidence,” was all one student said in response to this scandal.
