Former Lakeside juniors and “Tatler” editors Reagan R., Jackson B., and Amber P. have been missing from the halls of Lakeside’s campus for months.
In what has been described as a school-wide emergency in inner circles, Head of School Dr. Bynum secretly called on top “Tatler” investigative reporters to find out and publish the real reasons the aforementioned juniors left the school. Simultaneously, Lakeside’s Communications Department has been hard at work trying to cover up the sudden disappearance of Reagan, Jackson, and Amber under the guise of them attending the “School for Ethics and Global Leadership” (SEGL). “Tatler” findings have revealed new theories about these three juniors that tear through the school’s propaganda about the fictional school they’re at-
Amber P. ’25
One fine evening in December, Amber P. ’25 decided enough was enough. She was done with the stressful, fast-paced Lakeside environment and knew she needed a permanent change. She packed her bags and headed for Rome, Italy. After a couple of days of gelato and sunshine, Amber was ready to lock in again. She had a plan: rent a studio out and start teaching the art of goat yoga. Her yoga classes were instantly popular, earning five-star ratings and attracting customers from all around Europe. However, her students had one consistent complaint: “She has conversations with the goats in Latin the entire class. They actually ‘baa’ back at her.” With the extra free time she gets from this career choice, Amber has picked up a new hobby. She recently joined Rome’s premier symphony orchestra where she plays the triangle. “I practice everyday. It’s quite hard work,” she claims, despite having only one to two notes in each five-minute-long song. What a trailblazer Amber is, paving the way for creativity among Lakeside graduates!
Reagan R. ’25
In early January, inspiration struck for Lakeside junior Reagan R. ’25. Though she initially had plans to further her education in journalism and foreign policy, a Saturday night trip to McDonald’s challenged her ambitions. At McDonald’s, she had a delicious, savory, melt-in-your-mouth Big Mac that sparked a light. “I can’t express it. It just changed something in me,” Reagan commented, tearing up. As soon as she got home, she booked a one-way plane ticket to Anchorage, Alaska. When she got off the plane, she walked a mile or so to the nearest barren street where she spent the next couple of weeks constructing a booth called “McReagan’s Burgers” by hand. She plans to spend the rest of her life standing at the booth, selling knockoff Big Macs for prices starting as low as $50. “This is my forever career, my passion,” says Reagan. Lakesiders can only hope to take learnings from bold small-business owner and entrepreneur Reagan.
Jackson B. ’25
After months of thoughtfulness about what he truly wanted his future to look like, Jackson B. ’25 dropped out of school, freeing himself of old dreams of politics and law. His decision to become an influencer on YouTube Shorts may shock those who don’t know him, but anonymous sources close to him tell us this move was expected. “Jackson’s always had an obsession with becoming a celebrity and going viral. He had a bulletin board in his room where he’d analyze famous YouTubers in secret code,” one claims. His niche on the platform? Dancing. He most recently posted original choreography for Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” as well as the early 2020 TikTok hit “Renegade.” The views on these videos are skyrocketing; at the time of writing, his most viewed YouTube Short stands at a whopping ten billion total views. Although Jackson declined to comment for this “Tatler” news story, sources close to him say he already has an interview with Jimmy Fallon and a segment on Good Morning America lined up. Jackson B. ’25, now Lakeside’s most famous former student, looks forward to a bright future ahead of him.
It seems these three juniors have settled down into their new lives away from Lakeside. Here at “Tatler,” we encourage everyone to wish them well in their chosen endeavors.
