On March 9, Lakeside’s aggressive owl struck again. This time, the unfortunate victim was Raymond Z. ’27, who was violently ambushed as he walked by Parsons Field in an attempt to search for his missing sports bag after an afternoon of crew. But what was surprising wasn’t Raymond’s disgruntled state or his uniquely bird-smelling clothes the next day; rather, the following morning, students were taken aback by a strange array of items found at the scene of the attack.
Despite being slightly crumpled and muddy, students were immediately able to recognize the bright red, yellow, blue, and green fabric of a familiar object — a Noogler cap. From its chipped propeller to its slightly fraying edges, it eerily resembled the iconic fashion statement of a certain Timothy D. ’27. But this cap wasn’t the only suspicious item; a pencil pouch adorned with shark and manta rays, a navy blue Lululemon belt bag, and a Vaseline All-Over Body Balm Stick were all found near the cap in a similarly soiled state. However, despite Timothy having been spotted in possession of all of these items, he denied all claims regarding his involvement in the incident.
“I have no idea how any of my things got there,” Timothy exclaimed frustratedly before snatching his belongings and sprinting to Red Square to catch his crew carpool. Despite many attempts to secure an interview with the suspect, “Tatler” staff were only ever able to record this single statement due to Timothy’s intensely packed schedule. The case of the mystery owl seemed to be going cold.
However, shocking photographs taken by none other than aspiring photographer Adi D. ’27 revealed a contradiction to Timothy’s claims. Combining the special night mode feature on his iPhone 15 Pro camera with a tripod, Adi was able to capture high-resolution images of the campus owl roosting in the trees above Parsons field. Sitting in what seems to be a nest of charred math notebooks and Precalculus worksheets, the “owl” in the photo appears massive, standing at approximately 5 foot 8 inches. Upon further inspection, the face of the figure, despite being mostly covered in shadow, clearly belongs to none other than Timothy.
Once confronted with the photo, Timothy finally confessed to his crimes. “I didn’t think anyone would find out,” he admitted. “It was fun attacking Raymond, though,” he acknowledged, describing “the thrill of the ambush.” When asked for the secret behind his flight, we were told by Timothy that it was a top-secret technique that was never to be disclosed. “The key lies in the Noogler cap,” he explained, “but the actual technique I can’t tell you.” Though students currently speculate the propeller is what makes him airborne, “Tatler” has yet to find evidence for a definitive answer.
Now that the truth behind Lakeside’s campus owl has been revealed, “Tatler” urges students to avoid running to Parsons Field in search of a nest in the trees. Instead, make sure to avoid talking about the Precalculus coding assignment and take notice of what’s in the air above you; if students are not careful, it might be an angry Timothy.
