Leaving Campus

Our campus is the center of student life, and it’s forbidden for students (except for seniors) to leave campus throughout the day. In the coming weeks, a 100-foot fence will be constructed around the school, with the only entrance being across the street from Stimson. Mr. Kempf will be positioned at this entrance, and he will be checking students in and out. Students will need to present their student ID to enter, and seniors wishing to leave during the day must recite their completed junior year history paper (from memory) in order to leave campus.

Attending Bench Duty

Bench duty is an integral part of giving back to our school community. In an effort to discipline the miscreants who evade this responsibility, the “Clean Up Song” will be used as a method of recording attendance. It will be divided into parts — however many people are in a given advisory — and as advisory members clean, they will sing their part as a way of indicating their presence. If, for example, the WCC echoes with the sound of “clean up; everybody do your share” but is deathly silent for “everybody everywhere,” it is certain that the guilty advisory member will not only be kicked out of their advisory but will also be required to attend a minimum of six Acafellas meetings to perfect their clean up song. While advisories meet during ACT, the student is expected to stand alone wearing a trash bag with a matching trash can hat (provided by Lakeside), holding a sign: “I don’t pick up trash because I am trash. Shame on me.” By empowering the student to reclaim the word “trash,” we hope that they will not skip bench duty in college.

Cheating on Assignments

At Lakeside, we value academic excellence, and cheating on assignments is the antithesis of excellence. Students are, of course, not allowed to discuss tests, but are now not permitted to collaborate on projects or discuss homework. The Computer Science department has a special policy, explained by Ms. O’Neal. “From the moment course sign-ups open up, students may not disclose whether or not they are taking CS. Ski masks will be distributed for those attending CS classes, and the very mention of the word CS — enforced by our state-of-the-art microphone system — will result in an automatic zero in the class.”

Checking Mailboxes

Each of our students has the privilege of having their very own mailbox. But with great power comes great responsibility! Because some students have unfortunately chosen to commit identity theft by sticking their grubby paws into the mailboxes of others, we have taken some extra measures to ensure that we mind our own business. Funded by generous donors from the ROAR auction, Ms. Lesoing will be undergoing neck surgery in which her neck will newly be able to spin 360 degrees, reminiscent of a wise — but devious — owl. This will ensure that she can keep an eye on the community as they check their mail. Additionally, we are partnering with Amazon to install Alexas in every student’s mailbox, further enhancing security. For entry into a mailbox, each Alexa will prompt students with questions such as “What’s your Rice purity score?” and “Who is your biggest opp at Lakeside?” Students will only be granted access once they answer all questions in full sentences, truthfully, slowly, and loudly for Alexa to hear. If the student chooses not to answer with integrity, they will be locked out of their mailbox and will only be able to try again during the next passing period (or when a minimum of 15 people are within earshot).

Attending Assembly

Assembly is a cherished tradition in which the entire community gathers to listen to guest speakers, hear from various school organizations, and so much more. However, recent data on assembly attendance shows that it’s at a historic low, averaging not hella heads per assembly. To encourage people to pull up, the Assembly Committee hopes to further entice the student body through “the wheel.” To model inclusivity (so that not only one student gets a prize each Wednesday), the wheel will be spun 587 times to ensure that each student leaves the AAC dressed with a smile on their face. The Assembly Committee expressed their strong recommendation to show up to assembly, stating: “The prizes are REALLY good, and let’s just say if you don’t show up — you won’t live to tell the tale.” As a senior on the assembly committee, Julia B. ’24 will be responsible for handing out the prize: a 15-second forehead kiss for each lion to feel the love of attending assembly.

Taking Breaks

Each class at Lakeside is required to include a five-minute break each period. However, some students (parents) felt the breaks were unbalanced and exceeded the expected five minutes. To mitigate this, CCTVs will be installed throughout every building, and teachers will be able to monitor students through a television screen. Additionally, all students who choose to roam campus during breaks will be expected to travel together via walking rope in a new and improved buddy system. There are no exceptions to the use of the walking rope, including bathroom breaks and sneaky links. The placement of students by the walking rope will be determined by their grade in the class: the student with the highest mark will have the privilege of being the all-knowing, all-seeing caboose. In a 30-minute ceremony before break begins, the caboose’s classmates will collectively and delicately place the rope into the top student’s hands, repeatedly professing, “You dropped this, king.” The student with the lowest mark must walk-of-shame before all their peers in the front. They will have to change into sweatpants with “diaper butt” and sport a sign on their back that reads “Kick Me.” Hopefully, this will incentivize students to work more diligently in their classes!