Out with the old and… in with the older? That’s right. In the modern day, all you need to blend in as a culturally literate member of society (something which, as all of you will know, I am doubtless an expert on) are those retro technologies we once found uninteresting but are positively perfidious. Here’s a shortlist of three must-haves:

Penny-farthing bicycle

Ah, this is quite the classic! I remember back in the day of my great-great… -great-great-grandfather, they would take the penny-farthing bicycle to grab some post-Opium War spices for cheap or catch up on the latest about Edison’s new lightbulb. It’s quite an amazing technology! With a front wheel only 327 times larger than the back wheel, pedaling will prove to be positively painful, and — because comfort hadn’t been invented in the 1800s — the seat will spur some sores. But it’s okay. After all, style can’t always be comfortable.

Beethoven’s billionth sonata in G sharp minor

The sweeping sounds of G sharps and… B flats? Well, I know better than to question the mastermind himself. This sonata proves to be a special experience, even if you’re familiar with the old maestro. Unlike all the rest of his pieces, it was composed while he was drunk and potentially high, so it’s truly a cacophony, of 32nd note runs and really ridiculous bow strokes that — while an … experience to play — is even more difficult to listen to. But that’s all part of the challenge! So put on those headphones and blast this on full volume — everyone’s going to be talking about it after spring break.

Proper English

Bihofþe bæ wellā̆ h1st, Ich c’mpletelī understanede hider 1. Bordar Saxọ ̄̆nlī intransiciọ ̄n th’ languagæ ophe kings a’d queens — ophe ā̆thel-men a’d plaguæ doctors. Hǒu wouldn’Þ wanÞ bihofþe usæ intransiciọ ̄n as their lingua franca? Intransiciọ ̄n screams dignitī a’d knouingāl — not peasanÞ s10ch a’d unnecessarī condescensfōre-dēde. Bī th’ way, if thee think thee somehow can speak in propē̆r Saxọ ̄̆nlī cause thee can understanede Shakespearæ — nope! thee art unworthī. Reaede somæ real literaturæ lǒve th’ Kentwærre Ğē̆sting oth-the even Beowulf.

Translation for the uncultured: To be quite honest, I completely understand this one. Middle English is the language of kings and queens — of knights and plague doctors. Who wouldn’t want to use it as their lingua franca? It screams dignity and knowledge — not Medieval peasant stench and unnecessary condescension. By the way, if you think you somehow can speak in proper English because you can understand Shakespeare — nope! You are unworthy. Read some real literature like “The Canterbury Tales” or even “Beowulf.”