ChatGPT has swept through schools over the past few months. Whispers of an AI revolution linger in linoleum hallways. But all along, the threat hasn’t been to Lakeside — it’s come from it.

Enter Patrick. I would tell you his last name, but I’d have to look it up on the Veracross directory, and that’s a lot of effort for a Wednesday morning. Besides, he’s reached a similar status to Beyonce, I suppose, known to all by only one word. “Hey, wait,” you say. “Patrick’s not crazy. He fixed my computer after, in a fit of rage, I hurled it at the freshmen blocking the entire path for the fiftieth time this week.” And to that, dear reader, I would reply that perhaps your definition of crazy is a little different than most people’s. But the clues have been there all along. Change one letter and unscramble it, and you’ll find that the seemingly innocent “Patrick” is actually… “kid trap”. That’s right, my blindly trusting reader. Patrick from the tech office has been behind ChatGPT the whole time.

We should’ve picked up on the signs much sooner. He has the perfect motive: with more kids getting involved with technology, more admin conversations about AI and its role at Lakeside, he would possess necessary skills and insider knowledge. Patrick would be able to track students’ queries on the website, slowly gaining power and information to blackmail whoever he needs to. 

As for the quickly spreading rumors of his inhumanity, he refuses to confirm or deny the allegations.”

“But why the hell would he want to blackmail me?” you ask. “I swear, Patrick is a cool guy. He gave me a new mouse after I accidentally killed mine while vacuuming.” To that, I would have lots of questions, but instead I’ll provide only one answer. Think, dear reader, and ask yourself: have you ever actually seen Patrick in the sunlight? Though he emerges from his lair at dawn and dusk seeking fuel from the WCC for his evil endeavors, he’s careful never to be spotted during the day outside of Bliss’s bottom floor. He seems to fix our technology with inhuman speed and ability… yes, exactly, you poor naive reader. Patrick last-name-unknown is a vampire. 

PatGPT, as we can now confirm was meant to be the AI’s name before Patrick chose to eliminate any connection between it and him, is a danger to humanity. Not just in the philosophical way most of us have discussed in advisory, but in a one-guy-stealing-information-for-the-vampire-revolution way. Patrick declined to comment on his involvement with ChatGPT. As for the quickly spreading rumors of his inhumanity, he refuses to confirm or deny the allegations. “Of course, I checked when applying to this position that no silver stakes or canisters of holy water are allowed on campus,” he says, promptly adding, “But who wouldn’t? I mean, it’s just a precaution…”