Administration to Put the “Lake” in Lakeside


A schematic of Lakeside’s upcoming shark-infested construction plans, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Judicial Committee. (Paul M. ’26)

“As a school that expects honesty and integrity from its community members, it is high time that our name lived up to those values,” Ms. Suttell told Tatler in regard to the construction of a lake next to Stimson. According to Ms. Suttell, the project was part of a larger effort by the Judicial Committee to promote honesty, and they found that the school’s very name was counterproductive to that end. Furthermore, the admissions department cited increasing complaints from applicants who were disappointed by the absence of any nearby lake and decided to enroll at the Bush School because “at least it stays true to its name with an abundance of shrubs on campus.” 

While many Lakesiders support the move in anticipation of a water-themed May Day, the Green Club maintains that the project is a waste of water and resources. Countering these criticisms, the administration has pledged that all the water for the lake will be taken from the spraying urinals in the AAC. Mr. de Grys told Tatler: “We are very pleased that the Lakeside community has found an ingenious way to address two challenges with a single solution. This really is a prime example of unstructured problem solving.” The administration is also working with the Woodland Park Zoo to transport marine life, including many freshwater fish and sharks to the lake, so Lakeside can fulfill its commitment to supporting wildlife and the local environment.

Countering these criticisms, the administration has pledged that all the water for the lake will be taken from the spraying urinals in the AAC.

 When it comes to the uses of the lake, the school has been slow to clarify its intentions. However, the athletics department is excited to unveil its new water skiing program, aimed at supporting Lakeside’s competitive skiers throughout the spring term. Swimming will also be moved to the lake, and though parents have expressed great concern about their children swimming in shark-infested waters, the athletics department claims that the sharks are not only harmless, but a great asset to the swim team. “The sharks will play a vital role in motivating and challenging our swimmers and in helping us maintain our excellent track record in the sport,” Mr. Hartley told anxious parents. Following this statement, Lakeside Swim and Dive posted an ominous shark fin to Twitter. 

Even with all the ambitious plans surrounding the construction of the new lake, many Lakesiders are wondering why the school doesn’t simply change its name, with some suggesting the name Roadside and the addition of a new mascot: Randy the Roadkill. Pressed on this issue, Dr. Bynum showed a rare moment of frustration in his response: “There is no better animal for a mascot than a lion! The lion is king of the jungle. No, it’s not the biggest — that’s the elephant. No, it’s not the fastest — that’s the cheetah. No, it can’t be the smartest, but the lion has a champion’s mentality, and that’s what Lakeside is all about.” 

With millions of dollars being spent on the lake, the administration is urging students to approach the campus addition with an open mind, lest all the funds be flushed down the toilet.