As the leaves turn orange and crunchy, and November 25 rapidly approaches, you all know what time of year it is: the day that decides whether your autumn persona shall rise or fall. Your levels of composure and finesse on this day will determine the quality of your fits for the whole year. It is not a day to take lightly. And, as generous as I am, I have decided to impart on you some of my best tips and tricks for conquering Black Friday. 

1. Do your research. In this, Instagram will be your best friend (plug: follow @lakesidetatler on IG!). This popular social media platform houses all the secrets of Black Friday that you must find in order to thrive when your time comes. 

Instagram rewards good work. If you are dedicated, if you put in the time and the reps, Instagram will recognize this. The Gram will reward you with that lucky little ad, promoting your favorite store’s sale. And all it takes is one. All you need is one little post telling you of the time and date of the best sale, for you to score so big that you are set for life. So, scroll away. Browse the Instagram explore page, and maybe even hit up TikTok or Twitter. As the pop hit “Roxanne” so eloquently dictates, it’s “all for the gram.” This is unequivocally true for Black Friday. If you give to the gram, the gram will give back. 

2. Collect your coupons and check the couch cushions. Black Friday is the day to go big or go home. Your objective is to purchase the most amount of stuff possible while spending the least amount of money. For this reason, you must come prepared. So scour the dark web, dig through your email’s spam folder, and sign up for the most newsletters possible — because you won’t be buying anything unless it’s at least 40% off. While you’re doing those discount deep dives, you might as well check the couch cushions and empty that piggy bank too. Any bit of spare change can help you. Remember: money = success. 

3. Be safe. Doctors report November 25th as being one of the busiest days of the year in the emergency room. Black Friday shopping is a moshpit of flying elbows and booty bumps, and you need to take the necessary precautions if you want to be successful. Bring a first-aid kit with at least two types of band-aids. You might even consider wearing a helmet or knee pads. Dedicated shoppers might throw on some wrist guards, just in case. You can’t score big from an E.R. bed, so take this seriously, and be careful! You can never be too safe on Black Friday.

4. Kiss up to your mom. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: more money equals more success on Black Friday. I strongly suggest that in order to really stuff that wallet properly, you butter up those around you who might be generous enough to donate to your cause. Your mother is a built-in bank. She has to love and support you no matter what. It’s in the job description. And this day will be one of the most important days of your year. She will have no choice but to financially support your endeavors. 

5. Do some “Pinteresting.” Planning is key. Know in advance what you want and where you need to get it from. You should have at least two Pinterest boards dedicated to Black Friday. One, for mapping out the types of things you want. This should be a general, broad list, with many options. You don’t want to set your sights on one thing; think quantity over quality. However, at the same time, going into shopping without some sort of guideline for what you’re out to get would be suicide. The other board should be dedicated to your use of these things. Plan outfits, chart out your new room decor. Do it all. If you buy something on Black Friday, it should be worth the sheer physical effort and copious amounts of planning it takes to partake. 

6. Find a meat shield. My final, and perhaps most important, Black Friday secret. This day is a strenuous and physical undertaking. You need to be able to block elbows, run between stores, and shove your way to the front of a line if you want to be victorious. That’s a lot to handle for one person! My advice is to call up your biggest and baddest friend to fend off other shoppers for you, while you focus on what matters: getting that bag. 

Thanks for reading these tips and tricks that are sure to set you up for success on November 25, and frankly, for the rest of your life. Use these well and wisely, and be sure to credit me when you reach all your goals in life. Good luck shoppers!!