Aries | March 21 to April 19

Stop letting people question your masculinity. 

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Don’t worry, you’ll survive the rapidly approaching threat of finals season… probably. 

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

I know how everyone talks about how much they hate Geminis and how they are evil and selfish and black-hearted. But don’t cry yourself to sleep. Instead, treat yourself to a relaxing night-in.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t send that text. I’m warning you.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

BABE, STOP SOBBING OVER EUPHORIA SEASON 2 AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Venus is in transit, Mercury is out of retrograde, and the stars are aligned at 14o past the equator. Also, they don’t like you back. Sorry.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You might need to study a bit harder for that math test. Wait, sh*t, I’m a Libra. Oh well.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. Don’t date Scorpio men. This one is just more of a general PSA.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The cosmos tells me that you are wrong. Pineapple IS good on pizza.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It’s so bad, I don’t even want to tell you. Better luck in May.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars have selected a new hobby for you to take up this month. Just don’t forget to use protection. (Biking. I’m talking about biking.)

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It is your responsibility to get beef ramen back into the WCC. Don’t let us down. We’re counting on you.