The Upper School administration just / announced the schedule for next school year: “It’s / a sea change from thine father’s saucy old / schooltime,” says Ariel, consultant from / Five Fathom Private Schools. Upcoming school / years shall instead use sonnets for their verse / discarding simple “AB” schemes of rhyme / and schedule search. How sensible, indeed! / This schedule, dubbed the “aria of one / requited love: the one of changing seas / and timely things—which is to say that we / change time schemes faster than this verse doth change / its rhymes,” will rotate days with varied blocks / in sonnet form (Shakespearean, of course).

The proposed schedule aims to draw focus to the much-maligned unit of ninth grade English. “I mean, sonnets aren’t so bad,” says an anonymous spokesperson whose name rhymes with “Memily Mchu.” “In fact, one might even say they are good.” The administration initially planned to have a piloting period, but later changed plans and just did it. “A top-down approach is more suitable than a bottom-up one,” a Five Fathom consultant notes.

Results came back in overwhelming favor of this new schedule: 1616 out of 1617 Tatler Poll respondents replied that “this schedule would be an overwhelmingly positive development for Lakeside School. Here are three evidence-based reasons why:” In unrelated news, the English department recently hosted the CS department for a onigiri-and-musubi luncheon entitled, “Spam Bots and How to Make Them.”
When making a final decision, the administration was reportedly torn between the Shakespearean sonnet and the Petrarchian sonnet (“abba abba cdcdcd”). They eventually settled on the former for its elegant style, greater variety, and overall sophistication. “This new schedule will truly exercise our students’ communication and listening as well as their cognitive flexibility, offering Lakeside students a unique educational experience to prepare them for their future personal and professional lives and the many situations in which one would use a sonnet: love poems, love songs, love letters, love letters, um,” says a spokesperson.

While some departments stressed the importance of letter-writing, some unstressed it: “Who needs sonnets, anyways? And while we’re on the topic, why are there no more chopsticks in the WCC?” says one disgruntled fellow. Others stressed the importance of romance first and unstressed the sounds second; furthermore, those who did stress the importance of letter-writing stressed the importance after an unstress on sound. Lastly, all departments hope that this schedule and its varied interpretations will unstress stressed students and stress those who have been unstressed toward moving out of their comfort stress.
“Since each cycle is 14 days long, and we already operate on two-week cycles, I guess this schedule should make sense,” says Joe M. ’22. “But also it doesn’t.”
In response, the administration issued the following statement: “We have also been working on a cycle of fourteen (months) after which we change our schedules, so Shakespearean sonnets seemed like the natural next step from ‘AB.’ Please direct your concerns to the Stud Gov suggestions box next to the main office, and we will answer within fourteen business (months).”
Of course, any schedule Lakeside could have chosen has its own ups and downs. But when all is said and done, all the world’s a stage, and all the “thine”s and “thou”s are dotted and crossed (along with stars, family members, and hot buns), ’tis without a doubt that this innovative new scheduling system will make Lakeside a more lovely and temperate place to learn.