Between Two Berns: Bernie Noe in His Own Words: A Retrospective: An Introspective: An Inspector Gadget: An Interrogation: An Acid-Base Titration: A Valedictory Salutation: Bernie’s Benediction: Gerontion:

On a cold spring morning, when all the birds were asleep, none, not even one, not a single creat’, stirred. There was no stirring.
And there were also mice and mouses and gooses and houses full of little gnomes that would grant three wishes upon the utterance, “You! Are not! Special!” This, and other things, Mr. Noe dreamt.
And there was time to murmur and time to grade, time before the taking of lightly burnt hash browns and coffee, time to ask, “Do I dare?” and “Michelle, how do I connect to the printer?”, time beneath the belltowahs to reminisce on Boston days… and if one, settling an ergonomic back support on his chair, should say: “That is not what I meant, at all—you are special but not really. Just sit down on this ergonomic back support for your chair; be humble.” Let us go and make our visit.

(Curtain opens on BERNIE NOE, holding a METAL BUST MADE BY JACOB FORAN)

To be or not to be: that is the competency:
for introspection and emotional intelligence are only the first out of the twenty
I have in place to be implemented this summer; soon will come the rest:
mindfulness, mindemptiness, nothavingnesswhilehavingitallness. There will be a test.

(Curtain closes to THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE)

AZ: So, Director Noe, tell me about your vision for this piece.

BN: Well, initially, I wanted it to be about my Sabbatical year, wherein I discovered mindfulness and BBC nature documentaries, but then I thought, why not bring Sabbatical to them? So effective immediately, every Lakeside student gets a free and mandatory ticket to Staumsgjerdet, Norway!


BN: You get a ticket! You get a ticket! You all get tickets!!!!

AZ: Amazing! We’ll be right back.

AZ: Wow, what an incredible gift! Tell me more about this.

BN: Well, Norway has always been a place special to me, along with Eastway, Southway, and Westway. It’s where I learned to study hygge, chaka, hygge, hygge, (I can’t stop this feeling / Deep inside of me), and the ways of Nordic sailors. For Lakesiders, the trip includes floats down Hjörundfjorden, a day trip to Sæbø to visit Lakeside’s new Norse sister school in collaboration with Ikea (some assembly required, so the trip is technically also service learning), and watching the Northern sun rise (or not, depending on the season) from Urke.

AZ: I see. Thank you for your honesty; I really appreciate it. My next question is a more personal one: where do you get your bowties?

BN: I’m so glad you asked because I was just about to mention Lakeside Logowear! For a limited time, you can get 10 hand-tied bowties worn by me myself (Noe I am, I like bowties and Killian) for only $5.99. Call now and get this limited-time offer today! But hurry, it’ll be gone like an old schedule!

AZ: Love it. And now for our rapid-fire audience questions: our first caller is Bill from Medina; how are you, Bill?

BG: I’m doing great! Love the show; just wanted to ask: who is your role model?

BN: Hi Bill! Gosh, your voice sounds familiar. I’d say my role model is Paul Allen, because of all the cool things he’s done with Microsoft and his philanthropy and the Paul G. Allen Family Foundation; it’s just incredible.

BG: Well, ok.

AZ: Great! Our next caller is Einreb from Germany.

EE: I just want to say, I think this is a great show. And it’s the same in Germany as it is in the States. And it really doesn’t matter the ratings or number of views you get, because you just know when you’re a good show. And that’s just something you can’t fake. (translated from the German)

BN: You’re too kind. And can I say, danke und möge das Glück auf Ihren Sprachträger fallen.

AZ: Well, that’s all the time we have here tonight, folks! Good night, and remember—say it with me—


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