HELP WANTED: Peek down below to read some of your fellow lions’ Classified ads. We classify these Lakesiders as desperate…oops, we mean, in need of some help in the love department! If one particularly excites you, read the description—you’ll know how to find them. 

Cassia W. ’23

Hi, I’m Cassia/Cam and I’m a junior. I like cats and I will date you as long as you’re not a freshman. I also have a steady part time job and I can drive. Pretty fun stuff.

Jack Fla. ’22

Likes to ski, likes to climb, likes to bike, likes long walks on the beach. I drive a tank. My personal strengths: has fluffy brown hair, perfect smile, incredibly intelligent, big heart, even bigger muscles, big hands. I am offering my services to either take selfies with fans ($5) or I will go on a date with you ($10/5 minutes). Please send all inquiries to my manager, Jack Fletcher.

Gabby S. ’23

11th grade. She is looking for a future spouse who is either a house husband or a man in humanities. He must be taller than 5’9 and a junior or senior. She offers an amazing personality, quirky humor, mind-blowing intelligence, insane style, she’s also super hot, AND she’s a woman in STEM.

Ethan R. ’25

I’m such a special kid. I think I’m very beautiful, why am I still single??! Drop something in my mailbox for Valentine’s Day xxx

Adnan M. ’24

hot+single hmu www.linkedin.com/in/adnan-mohamud-10274b22a 

Anonymous Ads

• looking for any of you cute beasts on the crew team!!!! open to anyone just as long as you’re buff 😉 perfect date: hour of power on the erg and then a picnic at the beach. what i offer: (1) Beautiful locks of hair (2)Amazing fashion style  (3) NOT TO MENTION my sub 2 minute 2k
• My name is Edward Fairfax Rochester, and I am a member of the Lakeside class of 24′ (1824). I am 35 years old, and am currently looking for a girlfriend to be my wife. My preferred age range is 16-21. My interests are mysteriously disappearing, hosting parties for people I don’t like, and brooding about my mysterious past. I am currently engaged to a woman named Blanche, but she sucks. I know how to pleasure a woman. There is NOT a crazy woman who is also my wife living in my attic. I do sometimes perform Hamlet up there with friends, and I get into character so much that I gravely wound them. They were NOT bitten by my wife. I don’t have a wife. Otherwise, I would not be writing this ad. I am not attractive, but you don’t have to be either. I like women who are independent, as well as completely controlling them financially. If any of these things please you, please apply to be the governess for the bastard child of my previous relationship (don’t worry: I’m not the father 🙂 ).
• If you want some more passion and excitement in your life, you can’t go wrong with the Latvian Loverboy. I have a stable income (one Jamba Juice shift per week), a really fast bike (18 gear combinations), can moonwalk, and have a good relationship with my mom. My personal hygiene is passable, and I can do a backflip on a trampoline. If you have any questions or want to inquire about a free trial, please reach out.
• Looking for a serious girlfriend. I play basketball and baseball. I am also the state’s largest steroid supplier so for your weight room needs I am your man. 
• Hi! I’m a 17 year old girl just looking for my next baby… I mean, baby to sit. I have over six years of experience with a special certification in CPR (read: mouth to mouth). I’m always looking for a new job, even if I’ve already got one. I can handle up to six companions at one time, and honestly, I like to have more than one at once. Makes it more worthwhile. Let me know if you’re in need. I can definitely fulfill it!
• Extremely attractive male. Approx height 5′ 11″. Age: 28 and blessed. Good Qualities: Smart, Dedicated to your happiness. Dog I’m just tryna score out here. Help a brother out. You know how to find me.