Things to do With the Vaccine

Life during COVID-19 has been something special, if by “special” you meant a garbage fire smoldering in the embers of your own home, with a nice spritz of lemon zest, political corruption, and systemic racism. Many forget what life was like in the holy times prior to the purgatory we’ve lived in for more than a year. However, with vaccines being rolled out nationwide, we are offered glimpses into returns to normalcy. Here are the top (10? 20?) things you can do once you receive the vaccine!

  1. Gather in small groups
    1. Once all the members of your friend group get the vaccine, you can gather in small groups in enclosed spaces again! Imagine, being able to lock yourself in a room with no ventilation with your closest friends, and not have to worry about an infectious disease. Because why wouldn’t you do that.
  2. Stop wearing a mask in small groups with other vaccinated individuals!
    1. Once again! Once you are in that nice, cramped, soundproofed room with the vaccinated cohorts, you can take off that mask and finally show off those pearly whites! Just absolutely blind them with the quality of your enamel! Just absolutely destroy their corneas with the strength of one thousand suns radiating from your holy mouth-bones!
  3. Lick doorknobs. 
    1. Yep, the golden times are back. Now that you have the vaccine, feel free to lick all of the doorknobs around! Handleset, lever handles, passage, privacies, levers, even the traditional “knob”-type door knob! That also means, gold, silver, wood, and plastic!
  4. Go to other people’s houses and drink all of their milk
    1. That’s right, even straight out of the jug! Any charges you may have been subject to (breaking and entering come to mind) are totally moot as well! It’s amazing what science can do nowadays.
  5. Ride a horse
  6. Use emojis on Reddit posts
  7. Wake up on time instead of setting your alarm 5 minutes in advance because you know morning you has a stupid caveman brain
  8. Bring water through TSA
  9. Walk up to the bowling pins and hit them down instead of using the ball
  10. Brush your teeth in public fountains
  11. Smear blood on your face and declare war on your enemies
  12. Scuba dive without a breathing apparatus
  13. Visit the ISS without a spacesuit


  1. Commit arson


  1. Pet your friends’ pets 😀