So the February edition of the Tatler has come and gone, and you are still craving more juicy articles on the topics of love, dating, romance, lust, and all the other good sparkly pink and red stuff. Well, I’ve also been building up an appetite for more of that lovey-dovey kind of written word. However, understandably, I haven’t been seeing many of these types of articles being published lately, considering Valentine’s Day is a thing of the distant past and social-distancing has taken priority over coffee dates. The love and relationship columns are as empty as the toilet paper aisles at Costco. It seems as if Cosmopolitan (which I most certainly definitely don’t read for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, and high tea every day) has become my sole source of love news. So, as the uber-motivated go-getter I am, A.K.A a senior in senior spring, I have decided to take up the hefty task of motivation and concluded that I’ll, as Thanos says in the post-credit scene of Marvel’s Avenger: Age of Ultron, “do it myself.” So, while you are nestled in your little fort of blankets, cookie crumbs, and various charging cords, hopefully this will give your blue-light-strained eyes something to feast on.

Without another millisecond of pause, here are Lakeside’s top five matriculated to colleges as the people you have crushed hard on (ranked from biggest to smallest in the order of the number of students matriculated from Lakeside).

Top five colleges:

1. UW

UW is the boy next door whom your parents always joked about you marrying, and whom you have always had a massive crush on. While he has been your neighbor for as long as you can remember, you didn’t really get to know him until you were sophomores. He turned sixteen four months before you, and during that one-third of a year, he drove you to school every day. During the car rides, you realized that you really like him. Growing up in the same city as you, he just seemed to get you. Some kids at school say that he is too basic and they want to date more interesting people from exotic locations like Cambridge, Massachusetts, or Hanover, New Hampshire; however, they don’t know UW like you do. You know that he is kind-hearted, talented, and honest. Plus, he never makes you pay for the whole bill at restaurants; you and he always go dutch A.K.A In-State Tuition!

1. Stanford

Stanford is the person in class whom your parents always compared you to, but you never amounted to. He is smart, good-looking, always helps the teacher when they have technology problems, and everyone seems to want to date him. Once upon a time, you formed a one-sided rivalry against him which involved thoroughly researching *stalking* him to discover his weaknesses. Eventually, your obsession to best him morphed into a burning desire to have him as your boyfriend. It seemed impossible that he would go out with you, but it happened. And, it was difficult. Despite knowing everything about him, you don’t want to seem creepy, so you have to pretend to not know much about him for the first few months of dating. This makes your time in the relationship extremely stressful; however, since you know so much about him, you know how to make the best of it. 

1. USC

USC is a bad boy. But that’s how you fell for him. He started using bad words before anyone else at school, and he’s always up to no good with his guy gang that calls themselves: The Frat. Rumor has it that he even got suspended from school once for doing something called Varsity Blues with your classmate Lori Loughlin. While you don’t approve of his questionable decisions, you know that deep down, he is a dreamer with a sunny disposition. Once, when he came to school under the influence of something not allowed, he confessed that he really just wants to be a movie star. And you know that he can do anything he puts his mind to, because he has so much potential. Like how his SAT test scores miraculously jumped hundreds of points the second time he took it. You fell in love with USC because he is someone who is not afraid to push the boundaries of social expectations and he inspires you like a city of stars.

1. MIT

MIT has a really long name, but they chose to shorten it by going by their initials; however, you liked MIT so you looked it up in the school directory and found that their full name is Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Oooooh what a cool name! MIT is super nice and smart, but they’ve guarded their personal life very closely, so you only really learned a few details about them. Firstly, they have a tumultuous relationship with their step-brother named Harvard. Secondly, their frenemy is the other nerdy kid at school named Caltech. And lastly, they once hacked into the school system and sent an email to all the students telling them that all homework was canceled. What a mischievous little devil! You used to follow them around school, trying to build up courage to talk to them. You started playing World of Warcraft because they played it, started exploring secret off-limit parts of campus because they did that, and most importantly, you finally started doing your math homework! Looking back, MIT was pretty cool for letting you tag along with them everywhere. In fact, they are probably one of the most patient, intelligent, and sincere people you know.

1. Columbia

Ah Columbia, one of the original eight colonial crushes founded before the war that is called puberty. Columbia transferred into your elementary school in fourth grade from Manhattan: and she never let you forget it. She always got perfect scores on the spelling tests, she knew how to pronounce big words like “Chanel” and “Louis Vuitton,” and she would often regale you with literary tales of life in the city. Not just any city. The City. There was nothing sexual about your love for her, you were literally a child, rather, it was a deep attraction to how cosmopolitan and all-knowing she seemed. Everything from how rats didn’t faze her to how she knew exactly what was considered politically incorrect made you want to get to know her better. Plus she was so mature. Since she had insomnia, she watched all the big-kid tv shows that screened after your bedtime. She was, quite literally, the crush that never sleeps.

1. (Another one??? That’s right!)

Finally *drum roll please*, the last type of crush that I will write about is one that is very dear to your heart. Although you didn’t crush on him as hard as some others (more Lakesiders have matriculated to NYU, Tufts, and Brown), you will always remember him quite vividly. That’s right, his name is Yale. Your love for him was the product of a million little things. The way he always had a book to read, the way he always made you feel at home when he hosted parties, the way that he was so comfortable in his masculinity that he was fine with hugging, even kissing other guys — oh wait. Yes, he is gay. He was perfect in so many ways that, although you knew deep down that your sexual orientations didn’t align, you tried to convince yourself that it would work. Your feelings sizzled away pretty quickly when you finally accepted that there would be no chance of a future romantically. Now you’re best friends! He cooks the best food in his kitchen that he nicknamed “The Buttery.” Also, he has an adorable little bulldog. Although your dreams of a couple’s paradise with him are impossible, your confusing feelings have found a new haven in your friendship.

Alright, that is the end, my lovebirds. I hope this gave you a good laugh, giggle, or even chuckle in this stressful time.