Signs That He Likes You

David Cho ’20 

So you have a crush, mhmm? Maybe her? That super funny lacrosse player. Oh wait, ooooh perhaps it’s him you have your eyes on. Yep, that one. No, don’t play coy, you know who I am talking about; you are literally slobbering. Ah, yes, him.
Okaaaay, now that we have established that you have a crush, it’s time to find the answer to the question that has been literally, metaphorically, hypothetically, figuratively, and allegorically burning inside of your mind: DOES HE LIKE ME BACK?

Well, there is only one way to figure it out. Read the checklist below and check off any of the behaviors you notice when you’re pining over him in your long block Harkness Discussion or hanging out at Dick’s Burgers. Now, let’s get cracking!

☐ His questions ascend above the three realms of small talk: How are you? How was your weekend? Did you finish the homework assignment?

☐ When your English teacher tells him to choose the next person to speak, he always chooses you.

☐  He constantly tries to agree with you. Example:

Him: “Not gonna lie, Justin Bieber’s new song ‘Yummy’ is kinda bad.”

You: “Really? I kinda like it.”

Him: “Lol jk, it’s like more of a masterpiece than the Mona Lisa, am I right?”

☐ He’s kinda jealous of other males. Example:

You: “Oh my gosh, Daniel Radcliffe is so hot.

Him: “The Harry Potter guy? I heard that he’s actually a really weak and pathetic fool. Also, really dumb.”

☐ His teddy-bear-side is exposed around you. Example:

You: “Are you almost ready to go?”

Him: “Yea, I just need to call my mommy — I MEAN MOM.”

You: “Awww.”

Signs that he doesn’t like you: Subtract 1 point for any of these that check off.

☐ He already loves someone else. Example:

You: “I think that I am in lo—”

Him: “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOS. Sorry, what were you going to say?”

☐ He mixes you up with other people. Example:

Him: “Great job in the musical, Kyomi.”

You: “Ummm, my name is Tammy.”

Automatic signs that he is or isn’t attracted to you.

☐ You are not a gender that he is attracted to. Example:

You (as a girl): “Do you like me romantically?”

Him: “No, I’m gay. But we can still be friends.”

You: “CaN i TuRN YoU StrAIgHt?”

Him: “No.”

☐ He confesses his love for you. Example:

Him: “Hey, I need to tell you something. I have loved you ever since we were little kids playing lava monster on the playground. You ignite something in me that I never knew was flammable. I want to cherish you beside me every day. I want us to be a phoenix, burning and being reborn everyday to blaze even brighter. I love you forever. Unconditionally. Unwaveringly. Selfishly. Dearly. Completely. Will you be mine and let me be yours?”

You (with a complex of never being able to accept what you truly want because of a strange and somewhat superstitious belief that your happiness is limited and if you accept too much of it now then you will use it all up and live a sad, lonely life): “Let me get back to you.”

Now tally up those checks! If you get a number of three or greater, then congratulations, he likes you. If you don’t, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s his problem not yours. Also, you are not alone. According to the Lakeside Tatler poll, 63.6% of you have experienced unrequited love. So keep your head high, and remember that you are more important than some could-have-been relationship with someone who doesn’t like you back. Plus, for all we know, he could secretly be a vampire who is looking for a desperate person to drain, but he is running low on blood so he needs to find his next victim in four hours or he will disintegrate. So, by you taking this quiz instead of asking him, you could be saving not only your life but also the lives of others. However, I guess that it’s also probably also a healthy thing to just be open with your crush and let him know.

Now have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!