Love Horoscopes

Aries 

Not to be annoyingly horoscope-y, but this Valentine’s Day is going to be particularly firey for this fire sign. Things seem a bit blurry right now, but I can at least tell you that Allen-Gates is going to be a major location for you this Valentine’s Day. It looks like there’s going to be something involving a bird accidentally flying into the building and getting caught in your hair, but don’t worry, because a mysterious but strangely attractive someone will come to your rescue. If you can work the word “spaghetti” into conversation with them, I can guarantee that this will blossom into the relationship of your dreams. (But do NOT, under any circumstances, bring up any other kinds of pasta. You’ve been warned.)

Taurus

Taurus, sweet, sweet Taurus. Your expectations are, as usual, sky high. BUT you’re in luck my friend. Because the literal love of your life is going to sit on your right in seventh period. So choose your seating wisely, because I guarantee that you’ll be fully making out with this person during your next free. (May I recommend the bottom of the Chapel. Not from experience or anything.) I don’t care if you were in a relationship with someone else before, because you definitely aren’t anymore. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

Gemini 

I will never know what you’re thinking, so honestly who knows what’s in store for you. But I can tell you that there’s something funky going on with Mercury this month, so if I were you, I’d watch out for being pulled over by a sexy police officer. But let me warn you first– they are WAY older than they look (like creepily so), so as tempting as it may be, let them go. Try not to let mourning this loss completely ruin your Valentine’s Day, although it is entirely understandable if it does so.

Cancer

Okay, I’m going to try to be fully honest with you, Cancer. Please just make a move already. They aren’t going to be there forever, and if you don’t you’ll have to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had done something about it. I can guarantee that the worst thing that can happen involves getting a salad bowl of WCC tuna salad spilled on your shirt (so maybe don’t wear anything too pricey today), but you’re a crab, right? Crab? Tuna? Seafood? It’s meant to be.

Leo

Ahh, the stunning Leo sun. This Valentine’s Day looks particularly sunny for you Leo, but only (I can’t stress this enough) if you wear at least one yellow item. It might sound cliche or kitschy, but trust me, yellow is absolutely the way to go. And it has to be noticeable enough to be a conversation starter– because (spoiler alert) the second person who comments on it will be your next bf/gf. And don’t be surprised if that person isn’t someone you’re particularly fond of, as it’s highly likely that it’s going to be an enemies-to-lovers kind of situation. Your whole love story is already written in the stars and let me tell you, it’s quite an interesting read.

Virgo

Be honest– you don’t love Valentine’s Day. It’s so superficial and mushy and, like, ugh. And I know you hate horoscopes and this kind of thing in general, but while you’re here, I might as well tell you that as much as you’ll hate having your name tied to the Great WCC Grape Juice Debacle of 2020 (you’ll know what I mean soon), you’ll end up running into your crush in the process, who is going to be really nice about the whole thing. They’re actually secretly really good at tie dye, which, trust me, is going to come in handy!

Libra

I just have one word of advice for you, and that is this: when the lady on the street tries to hand you the handout for a new Hot Yoga class, TAKE THAT FLYER and get your butt over to that yoga studio. It’s crucial that you arrive three minutes late, though, because what comes next is probably going to impact the way you see the world for the rest of your life. Seriously. All of the romance you’ve ever imagined lies beyond the jingly bell of the front door of the studio. You won’t regret it 😉

Scorpio

Okay genuinely, you’re going to have a killer Valentine’s Day. Single or not, it’s going to be an A+ day overall. Also, if you start having weird visions involving a goat and the number 389 whenever you see your love interest, don’t be alarmed. You’re perfectly on schedule.

Sagittarius

So it’s against the rules of astrology to tell you exactly what’s going to happen (astrologers are, after all, secretly able to see the future with remarkable accuracy), but this Valentine’s Day is going to be a memorable one. Look out for green plaid, hand sanitizer, and mini pumpkins. Also make sure to carry a small lamp with you at all times. It may be unwieldy, but it’s entirely worth it. This may all sound mysterious, but it will all make sense soon. The golden haired one in your fifth period class will prove to be far more romantic than you could have ever imagined. 

Capricorn

Either you’re gonna have the Valentine’s Day of your LIFE– I’m talking giant teddy bears, roses, chocolates, some solid Friends Valentine’s Day episode binging– or it’s going to be one full of odd changes. Not to be too blunt with you, but your crush is not what they may seem on the surface. It may be time to look beyond them, as the New Moon indicates that there may be a new love interest waltzing into your life! The one with the blue water bottle (you know who I’m talking about) has taken notice of your charm– so play your cards right (literally, as there’s going to be a quite significant game of Go Fish in the next few days) and you’ll definitely score!

Aquarius

Not to be that horoscopist, but expect the unexpected. You’re a pretty crazy sign anyways (and all of you are exactly the same– that is how astrology works, right?), so this shouldn’t be too hard for you. Anywhere can be romantic with the right mindset. Specifically, I’m feeling some really strong vibes coming from that gas station just past the middle school. Do whatever it takes to get within a ten foot radius of the building and trust me, sparks will be flying everywhere. 

Pisces

Pisces is all about intuition, and this Valentine’s Day is going to be no different. If you feel a strong urge to pop into Moore Hall for no particular reason, do it! (Hint: your crush really loves working in Moore 29. You’re welcome.) Also, be sure to pay close attention to the person standing in line two ahead of you the next time you’re in the WCC. The one with the green jacket. Something’s definitely up with them. Try to keep them away from your crush, as I think I might smell a potential love triangle! Finally, if the number 37 pops up today, take note. It’s definitely a sign.