When spring rolled around, another Instagram account popped up on every Lakesider’s feed: “centerville_assassin2024” This can only signify one thing … Senior Assassin returns!
Based on the popular game “Assassins” where each player gets a target to hunt down and “kill” while avoiding their respective “assassin,” Senior Assassin follows similar rules but on a larger, senior-class scale. It’s held every year in spring, requires a small fee to enter (which gets pooled into the reward money), and presents a couple hundred dollars to the victor. Less outstanding cash prizes are awarded to the people with the most “kills” and runners up.
Students have one week per round to “kill” their target with a spoon or a water gun. Failure to assassinate their target by the end of a round leads to elimination. However, if a student is lucky and their target falls into their hands, they take their target’s target and hunt them down. Anywhere is fair game, except for “safe zones” which include the Lakeside campus and while the target’s blowing a kazoo. This leads to some pretty shocking kills, with people traveling all over the state in previous years just to advance to the next round. And as always, alliances are formed, cheated, and betrayed. Drama bubbles up and stakes fly high as participants dwindle down. But before storytime, one thing needs to be explained.
Centerville: The Infame of the Name Behind the Game
Lakeside’s “centerville_assassin2024” Instagram account handle is probably misleading to all who stumble upon it, leaving people wondering who or what “centerville” is. The origin of the name is in fact, quite fascinating.
In September of 2015, Jonathan Haidt, the Thomas Cooley Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University’s Stern Business School, came to Lakeside to give a talk about psychology. In his speech, he advocated for students to speak their opinions freely without worrying as much about offending others. He made this comparison by using two example universities—“Strengthening U.” and “Coddling U.”—which advertised themselves to “Centerville,” aka Lakeside. Then, after the speech concluded, the floor opened to the audience in what Haidt described as “the most unremittingly hostile questioning I’ve ever had.” Later, he wrote an article titled “The Yale Problem Begins in High School” later shaming Lakeside, which he named “Centerville High” to preserve anonymity, for its “lack of viewpoint diversity.”
From that article, the name “Centerville” stuck. Used as the name to provide anonymity in the article, it was used in a similar fashion for the Lakeside’s Senior Assassins account due to “a worry of the account getting discovered/shut down by administrators,” says Mackenna W. ’24, the senior who runs Senior Assassins.
Blunders During Bathtime
Eva T. ’24 knocks timidly on the door of Felix Y. ’24’s house, a water gun gripped tightly in one sweaty hand. To the average passerby, it’s just another overcast Mother’s Day. But not to Eva — this Mother’s Day, she’s here with a lust for blood. Footsteps echo as Felix’s mother rushes to the door to greet her. Unbeknownst to poor Felix, his mother had been bribed a while ago by Eva so that she could enter the house and snatch another kill before the round ends. But as the faint sound of water raining down fades in… it looks like Eva is planning to kill Felix in the shower!
Fully prepared to kill, Eva enters hunting mode as she creeps up the stairs like a tiger stalking its prey. She’s clinging on to her car keys in one hand and readying a water gun in another. The entire incident is recorded by Michael L. ’24 who follows behind silently. Halfway up the stairs, a devilish realization strikes Eva — Felix is singing “I Want It That Way!”
Past the framed photos and potted plants, down the long hallway to the sound of rushing water growing louder, Eva walks closer and closer to poor Felix, who is still helplessly belting lyrics in the shower. Then, she readies herself outside the bathroom door and waits for Felix to get out of the shower. When his feet touch the floor, she barges in screaming, and takes Felix down while he’s mid-melody with a towel around his waist. And as the hot shower mist settles, we end up with a dead Felix and a proudly grinning Eva.
Pinched Post-Prom
Olivia K. ’24 is peeking out precariously out of the door. She’s at Ingraham High School’s senior prom with her friends. Despite the night of fun and festivities, Olivia knows that she’s just biding her time until her executioner comes to get her. She had previously thought that her assassin was waiting to get her before prom, not after, so the tensions are high. As the music and lights blare in the background, she texts her friends to confirm her assailant is outside.
Meanwhile, Eva had been scheming to kill Olivia since she pulled up to Ingraham after work. She lingers quietly, waiting for any sign of Olivia so she could snipe another kill. After 90 minutes of waiting, she noticed something unusual — a group of people she didn’t recognize walked outside, made eye contact, then started whispering. Timidly, one of the strangers approaches her and asks if she’s an assassin. Target location confirmed.
A text message pops up on Olivia’s phone, followed by waves of anxiety. Eva is right outside. She sneaks a glance out the door and sees Eva perched beside the only exit, waiting to strike. Panic follows, and she calls an Uber, then rushes over to look for another exit out of a building. In a school so big, this couldn’t be the only passageway in the building. There has to be a way to get out of this mess.
As Eva watches, knowing it’s only a matter of time until Olivia comes out, a realization strikes her. Previously, she thought this was the only exit from prom, but then a group of people started streaming through another doorway. If so many students thought to take this way out, then there must be a chance that her target would try to sneak out this way as well. Change of plans — different location, same goal. A car pulls up near the curb.
Olivia finds a back door and sees her Uber parked patiently. This is her chance. Her friend signals that she’s ready to open the car door. She takes off her heels and sprints for her life.
Eva spots Olivia running out the door. She starts running, only 30 feet behind.
As Olivia approaches the Uber, the car door opens and she dives into the car headfirst. Doors slam and suddenly Eva’s right up against the car glass. Oh my gosh, that was such a crazy escape. Everything is smooth sailing from now on. Olivia takes a deep breath of relief…
When the door slammed shut, Eva thought it was all over. She had messed up. There would be no chance at killing her — until she saw another person getting into the car. The door swung wide open, and Eva leaned in with the spoon, reaching out with one hand…
… and tapping Olivia, putting an end to the record holder of Most Senior Assassin kills.
Scrambled Eggs with a Side of Betrayal
It’s round five: Niseffo N. ’24 had just been sniped by Julia B. ’24, and Angelique G. ’24 was silently killed in the final hours of daylight of round four by Eva. Now, the remaining two Senior Assassins are left to duke it out. Eva and Julia have one week to kill the other — if no kills occur, a final showdown will commence the following Friday afternoon.
Felix is up late at night on his computer slowly chipping away at his homework when he receives an odd text. A strange set of instructions from Eva is the subject of the message. However, without a blink of an eye, he gets up and executes the plan. He pulls Julia’s contact up on his phone.
In the meantime, Eva is smiling at her phone. Felix had just told Julia that he wanted to help her seek revenge on Eva, because she killed Felix in the shower. Her master plan? Bait Julia into the breakfast diner Flo Annas via a Thursday morning gathering of all the seniors going to UChicago “for fun.” Then, use Felix to trick Julia into going into the bathroom in an attempt to kill Eva, and when Julia emerges, blast her with the water gun.
However, things didn’t go exactly as planned. When Eva pulls up to Flo Anna’s, something’s off. Eva has her mom with her, and Julia has her… sister? Even worse, her sister is strategically situated so that she could observe the entire diner for intruders. Panic starts to set in as Eva realizes she’s doomed and that sneaking in would be impossible. Until she spies a screen door in the back of Flo Anna’s.
Eva’s mom gets out of the car and approaches an employee, who looks suspiciously at the teenager crouching in the car. Some dialogue is exchanged, and Eva’s mom nods at Eva. She gets out of the car and sneaks behind the screen door, peeking behind and there Julia is. Sitting by the window, water gun tucked away, unaware about the events that would soon transpire. Eva creeps into the pantry and then waits, ready to strike.
But then Julia’s sister gets up and glances warily around. Shoot, Eva’s cover may have been blown! But there still is no reaction from Julia. Eva sighs. Maybe there still is a chance? She sits there for a minute longer, waiting for the right moment. And then she pounces. Her feet hit the ground as the water gun fires over and over while Julia tries to escape. But it is too late. Julia’s caught off guard, her water gun still tucked away in her bag, never to see the daylight again. But one thing still makes no sense. Why did Felix help Eva?
Well, it turns out, to the relief of many, Felix’s assassination was staged. According to Eva, she attempted the same kill that Tuesday to no avail when Felix locked himself in the shower. However, she didn’t give up hope yet. She asked Felix, trying to bargain a kill if Felix couldn’t kill his target. They settled on a price of $20 and a portion of Eva’s winnings if she placed top two.
“But he had one more stipulation. He wanted to die… his way,” Eva notes. “He texted the following: ‘My plan is to make it seem as if I just came out of the shower. Of course I will be clothed and have a towel.’”
Therefore, the kill followed, with the intention that the extreme circumstances could spur Felix to want to seek revenge on Eva and team up with Julia. Indeed it did work, with Julia not suspecting a thing, instead thinking she was the one who would come out on top. But the hunter became the hunted when Eva’s master betrayal worked. Now, Eva, crowned the winner on May 23, and Felix, her devious sidekick, are happily splitting the prize of several hundred dollars. Nothing less to expect of Lakeside’s brightest masterminds.
