Recent studies conducted by the administration to aid in the transition between heads of school have found that the average Lakesider has a Rice Purity score of 99. For those who are uneducated and/or would likely receive a score of 100, the Rice Purity test was created by Rice University to “assess innocence on worldly matters.” However, the college quiz has become commonplace in high schools: many check their scores from time to time to see how they measure up to their closest bromies. Lakeside’s results are absolutely appalling. How did the school become such a mecca for innocence and celibacy? When the administration was informed of this startling statistic, they were equally as surprised as the student body. In a recent statement, the administration said, “We had no idea the equitable, enthusiastic, and engaged community we have worked so hard to cultivate is actually just really lame.” With the combined pressure of the administration’s disappointment and an undeniable urge to rectify Lakeside’s sole issue, students knew it was time to take action.
As a result, a successful proposal has finally been accepted for Student-Sponsored Day. Say goodbye to the TAPAs schedule! For the next school year, Lakeside students have created “Lowering Lakeside’s Lameness”—an entire day dedicated to decreasing the Rice Purity scores of students. Activities will include but are not limited to:
1. Handholders in the competition gym
2. All bathrooms closed to increase the possibility of public urination
3. A kissing booth (volunteers needed!)
4. Water fountains filled with non-religious alcohol
5. Playboys, Wattpad, and other “reading materials” in the library
6. Open coldtub for skinny-dipping
7. Lakeside history trivia drinking game
8. A generous private jet donation from alum to improve enrollment in the Mile High Club
Keep an eye out for more information via email. See you all next year for an awesome Student-Sponsored Day, and thank your fellow peers for their initiative to create this proposal by checking off one of their boxes!