Ding. An email pops up in your inbox regarding outdoor trips. But, alas, you were not picked for a trip because Lakeside picks people based on pesky traits like “seniority” and “the number of previous outdoor trips completed.” But there is good news!
Tatler has intercepted an internal administration memo via the sophisticated technique of picking up a fallen scrap of paper (we probably should have known that it was important because we found it in Bernie Noe’s office).
The memo reads, “April 31: announcement for luck-based outdoor trips.” Evidently, we were confused so we found Bernie Noe and pressed him on what the memo meant. After some coercion, he explained that Lakesiders are too insulated from the harsh realities of life, so to show students how unfair life really is, the administration wanted the outdoor trips to become completely luck-based.
Interestingly, when asked what this meant for graduation requirements, Mr. Noe simply stated that “students will still need one outdoor trip for graduation. If they are not lucky enough to be put into one during high school, they won’t be able to graduate; that’s just life.” These changes will go into effect starting in the 2022-2023 school year and likely will not affect current students’ ability to graduate.
Mr. Noe did state, however, that those least likely to graduate (because of the outdoor trips) are those who are 37th in the grade when they and their peers are arranged in alphabetical order by last name. Tatler was unable to figure out why he knew who would be impacted the most. Wait a minute… 37th, at least for the freshman class, should fall on D…