As you should be aware, if you’re still alive by the time this article is published, we are in quarantine. In practice, this means you can just watch Tik-Toks all day and work on passion projects like losing Fortnite games, staring at the wall, and touching your face. With the specter of super-flu looming in the distance and a whole lot of time opened up on the weekdays, a friendly Tatler writer thought it would be useful to write a guide to life under Coronavirus, showing you how to live life to the fullest even when trapped in your room.
One of the most important things for a situation like this is keeping up with your daily routine. Scientists recommend sticking as close to your regular life as possible, keeping yourself comfortable and relaxed by making things seem normal. On Mondays, for example, it’s a good idea to have some kind of wimpy rabbit food for lunch. On Wednesdays, you can go to Chick-fil-A around 1:30pm and pretend you’re skipping assembly. Try to make your room as stressful as possible. Wake up really early, even though you know it’s bad for you and you’d learn better a couple hours later. These are small tweaks, but they can really make the corona transition a lot less stressful, convincing you that you’re back on Lakeside campus and everything is going to be fine. Need to fill the hole of sports? Go to your local Walgreens and get in fist fights over essentials like toilet paper and fresh produce. Make bets on which celebrities will get it. Fake-cough on the class facetime and pretend to freak out about it. Finally, just start looting. There’s really nothing left to lose.
If setting fires and breaking and entering doesn’t provide enough excitement, consider the positive aspects of quarantine on school rules. Now that you’re always home, a suspension means nothing, and you can freely ignore community expectations while expecting no consequences. Learn what these rules are and just start breaking them. Be disrespectful at all times. Go to the campus and be disrespectful there. Vape on the quad and record it. If you do end up virtually JC-ed, there’s a good chance one or more committee members will already have it and will be too shaken to focus on your case. Disconnect from your facetime trial and say it was the WiFi. Try to switch things up on Zoom calls. Go shirtless one day. Say that you don’t understand how Corona beer got infected. Glue a selfie to your webcam and play Xbox the whole time. Spread fake news about the outbreak, and tell your classmates you know which of them will get infected.
Quarantine is really just a chance to have fun and find out how strong or weak your immune system can be. Those of us who live through it will have a great story to tell. Remember above all else that panicking might make everything better, and at the very least it’s worth a try. As I have a cough coming on, I’ll sign off. Can it be transmitted virtually? Probably. Did we disinfect these Tatler copies? Probably not. Anyway. See you next year .